How To Kill A Narnian Mary Sue
by JealousOfTheMoon
Summary: SQUEEEE! That's the sound of Marianna Susanna, enemy of all things Canonical and Mary Sue Extraordinaire. She's still trying to get into Narnia--and the result, my friends, is a Suebashing to end all Sues. Ha. You wish.
1. Blitzed Sue

_This is an idea I had while in the throes of randomness, comfortable beds, and PotC soundtrack. Ah, and the conversation with and assistance of Mari was most helpful as well. _

_What you are about to read and (hopefully) enjoy is my idea of what would happen if a sensible, canonical author got a hold of a Mary Sue plot idea and was forced to write it. That's almost exactly what I'm doing, only I'm not very sensible and I wasn't forced to write it. At any rate, it is not a _Canon Keepers _member, though it works quite well with that little Universe as it does on its own. I am hoping to do one for at least each of the movies when they come out, and I may jump ahead and just do each of the books and add more when the movies come out since that is going to take a while. _

_You might consider this a BookMovieVerse combination, though so far it's only movie. _

_This will be multichapter and go progressively through the film. I hope to do something with a similar idea for Lord of the Rings, so hands off! I call it first! This is my little proof that the thought was mine, even if someone gets to it first, so I shan't be accused of plagiarism. Well, this whole site is based on disclaimered plagiarism, but whatever. _

_Yeesh. A/N almost as long as story. Enough said, just read. _

_-JotM_

**ONE: "Blitzed 'Sue"**

Marianna Susanna came of a tragic background. Her family was exceptionally cruel (dishes! laundry!), her teachers plotting her downfall (homework!) and her friends forsook her in her hour of need (no text messages!). Thus she leaves behind that painful life and went back in time to the 1940s…50s…30s… whenever The Blitz happened. (She only knew it was called The Blitz because she'd read the back of the soundtrack's case).

'_Gasp!_' she went as a nearby bomb sprayed her with dirt. She delicately wiped away the dirt, and gave another delicate, melodic, appealing shriek of dismay at the bombs falling all around her.

One thing she knew – it was coming soon. The moment when a strong hand would grab her own and tug her into a nearby bomb shelter, and then she would look into the lovely eyes of Will Moseley or whatever his name was. Peter. _'I, liek, read the soundtrack cover to figure that out too!' _

Marianna Susanna was very proud of her reading abilities and considered herself a well-read person.

_Anyway_, she would look into the lovely eyes of Peter/Will and he would be smitten—utterly smitten-and stare dumb-foundedly as… but wait. Wasn't Peter supposed to be here already, saving her? Why was he _not_? Her pea-sized brain somehow managed to comprehend the fact that Peter _might actually not be coming!_

'_Teh gasp!'_ she thought in horror. _'Teh…teh…gasp!'_ she could not find a more fitting thought. _'No…liek…no, liek…this is saposed to be the Pevnsies house…liek…Peter will save me…liek…' _

Were 'Sues capable of achieving higher IQ levels, this 'Sue might have survived. As it was, the bombs which had previously been gently spraying her with dirt temporarily ceased their fall to make way for one bomb which clearly was not intending to simply spray her with dirt. This bomb intended to strike the ground only a few feet from her and shower her with earth, glass, lawn ornaments, and an occasional rogue door.

Because bombs generally get their way in the end, a rational being in this situation would have seen herself as having two options:

**ONE: **Run and maybe survive with severe burns, abrasions, and fractures.  
**TWO: **Fling your arms over your heads, cry out for your twoo wuv one last time, and die.

A rational being would have chosen the first option.

Marianna Susanna, having an unfortunate disadvantage and lacking even the pretense of rationality, chose the second.

'_Liek, NO!'_ Such was Marianna Susanna's last unintelligible thought. Thus she shriek'd, thus she was bury'd, and thus she promptly died to the Narnia canon, thrown back to her own cruel world of homework and dishes and text messages that would never come.

And decent, logical human beings everywhere felt vindicated. Because honestly, no Mari 'Su could _ever_ survive The Blitz.


	2. The 'Sue and the Motorcar

_Thanks, readers, for the great feedback! Enjoy Chapter #2. _

**TWO: "The 'Sue and the Motorcar."**

Marianna Susanna was feeling quite disgruntled. She had been thrown out of Narnia once by an unseen force (Idiot. It was a bomb and she could have seen it quite clearly.) And so she sulked and pouted and whined and painted her fingernails on her four-poster canopy bed.

Then, with a sudden jolt, because things of vast importance always happen with a jolt, and because anything that happened to her was naturally of vast importance, she found herself in Narnia again.

Well, actually she was in England, but she knew the movie was called Narnia, so naturally the whole place _had_ to be called Narnia too.

'_teh GASP!'_ she thought. '_im back in narnia!' _Typos are found in abundance in 'Sue thoughts. Lack of punctuation and capitalization, as well as other similarly vile crimes against proper grammar usage, are also found in 'Sue thought.

She was seated in the train. Across from her was '_teh hunky Peter/Will_,' and some sulky boy who she could probably rescue later on in the plot for the sake of her _twoo wuv_ even if he was a brat and everything. There were two girls as well but they weren't nearly as pretty as she, for she had long blond hair and bright green eyes that sparkled when she talked and sparkled when she sang and sparkled when she slept and sparkled when she was angry and practically _threw_ sparkles everywhere when she laughed her beautiful, purring, rolling, rich, melodic, harmonic, um, laugh.

'_Liek, im going to professer kirkready's!' _She couldn't find the Professor's name on the back of the soundtrack, so she just called him something she thought sounded right.

Peter's jaw dropped at her melodic vocalization which radiated intelligence. Marianna, ever modest, blushed and giggled and winked and even blew a kiss.

The other children seemed not to notice her.

Finally, they got off at a station. "What a charming place!" Marianna exclaimed. She had heard someone use that adjective once and had been hoping to impress Peter with it. It worked quite well, unfortunately.

Then it came—the rumble of the coming motor car. Marianna had been distracted at this part in the film—thinking about Will/Peter's windswept hair and sparkling eyes – and forgot what happened next.

When the children hurried forward, Marianna pushed to the front. She stepped into the roadway, holding her hand aloft, and hollered "TAXI!"

The oncoming motorcar promptly hit her and continued on without so much as a pause, its engine rumbling comfortably with something akin to satisfaction.

'_Teh gasp!_' was Marianna Susanna's last thought as she died once again and was catapulted with a thud back to her time.

Peter darted forward, the pleading desperate cry of 'NOOOOOO' ready on his lips – when he blinked. He had quite simply forgotten what was supposed to happen next. What had he been about to do? Why had he been about to do it? It was as if his head, once muddled, had suddenly been cleared.

Before he was able to ponder this any further, his attention was diverted by the sounds of the oncoming horse and buggy and he quite forgot it all.


	3. Su Meets 'Sue

_This story is coming along much faster than I anticipated. Many thanks to Muriel Candytuft and ladylinnaea for their reviews. I had these three chapters written before I posted the first, and now I have the next three already written. Ahead-Of-The-Game-ness is unusual for me, so I'm actually rather proud of myself. _

_Please understand that this is most definitely my unwinding story and not really a serious work. It doesn't take much thought and can be written late at night after a long, stressful day. Plus, it's lots of fun to write. _

_Let me know if it ever seems repetitive or boring. I try to make a different object or person be the cause of her death in each chapter. There may be a few repetitions or near-repetitions. _

**THREE: "Su Meets 'Sue"**

Marianna Susanna opened her eyes in a strange place. She realized she was seated on a cart with four children, and—

'_teh HA!'_ she thought. '_im in narnia again! woot!' _

Of course she wasn't really in Narnia; we've explained this before. She _was _in the _canon_, which now was no longer the canon because of her presence, but not yet in actual Narnia. In the future please remember that she is quite obtuse (by reason of stupidity) and her words should not be taken at face value.

And there he was! Peter her hunkiness! She congratulated herself. _'teh YAY!' _

Her 'hunkiness' had noticed her and now wore an expression as glazed as a fresh Krispy Kreme doughnut.

But he was not the only one to notice her.

Susan Pevensie was staring at her with open disgust, as if to say, _'Who IS that creature?'_

Marianna Susanna did not like that look. If anyone was a creature, it was not she! Puffing out her impossibly-sized chest, she said in what she thought to be a scathing tone:

"loser. ur ugly. i own at looks." She pronounced intelligently. After some thought she added: "liek, totally."

Mari Su was so occupied with mentally punching the air with her fists and inwardly screaming '_teh YES!'_ that she didn't notice Susan's brow darken, nor did she notice the way she stood up and stretched out her arms menacingly.

In fact, she didn't realize what Susan was doing until Susan had actually done it. Of course, by that time it was too late, and Marianna Susanna was flying out of the cart to land in an undignified and mostly lifeless heap at the base of a tree.

Had Susan been of a 'Sue's IQ level, she would have punched the air with her fists and screamed _'teh YES!'_. Instead, she frowned as she watched Peter snap out of the Krispy Kremed expression, feeling an urge to push _him_ off the cart after his _twoo wuv._

However, she felt justice had already been done, and she'd settle for that…for the moment.


	4. Mari's Monstroglopulous Mistake

_Notice: I know there were images of famous historical figures all over the Professor's house. I am not certain if Homer was among them, although I consider it entirely probable. At any rate I don't believe this is an uncanonical addition, especially considering that Mari Su mangles the canon enough for sixteen out-of-canon graven images. Besides, it had to be homer – how else could I be so successful in my alliterating? _

_A monstroglopulous THANK YOU to all my wonderful, benevolent, good-looking (as far as a computer screen goes…somehow you all look the same) reviewers. I feel quite confident about this story and have already selected titles for its LotR cousins. But monstroglopulous is my word and thou shalt not touch it, much as I admire you all._

_Feel free to be inspired by anything you find in any of my works and use it accordingly and appropriately; I must admit that pretty much all of my writing is spun off of some better author, and while I don't claim to be better than anyone here, it is pretty flattering when someone says "Can I use…?" I welcome all ego strokings, so ego pokings-with-pins are certainly more useful. _

_Enough babbled. (Sounds better than 'enough said,' doncha think? Or more appropriate for my babblings…) _

_-JotM_

**FOUR: Mari's Monstroglopulous Mistake**

**_or _**Hysterical Housekeeper Hoists Historical Homer Head

**_or_ **An Awful Author Awkwardly and Agonizingly Alliterates and All Audiences Act Appalled.

Marianna Susanna felt herself quite _teh pwn _(a leetish expression this Author has yet to successfully comprehend but doesn't particularly wish to anyways). True, she had been ousted from Narnia once again, but she had also succeeded in getting back. This event had happened when she had been grabbing her scents to revive herself from shock and accidentally grabbed one of the fifteen bottles of hair spray on her bedside table.

This had been a slightly traumatic incident, but it takes trauma to get back into a universe that seems bent on kicking you out.

'_liek, teh YAY!'_ Mari Su was once again exhibiting her extremely original thought processes, or lack thereof.

Since the journey to Narnia (England, still) had been traumatic, she had found herself in a pitifully crumpled heap at the foot of some sort of staircase, gasping in pain. It had taken all of 0.0001 seconds to recognize _'teh hunkinesses'_ voice and half that time to become her disgustingly chipper self. In half of the half of 0.0001 seconds, she was off the floor and blithely tripping after the four children and some grumpy old lady who was rambling on an irrelevant and boring topic—irrelevant and boring, that is, because it had nothing to do with _her_.

'_Professor Kirke_' – she caught the name more than once, and mentally pumped her fist and repeated her battle cry of '_teh YAY!'_ She felt incredibly – indomitably – smart, because she had deducted as a veritable Sherlock Holmes would have that the man who she had thought to be called _Kirkready_ was in reality _Kirke._

'_Gasp!'_ This came not from Marianna Susanna, but all the disbelieving readers who still could not fathom that our heroine with her slightly dubious mental capabilities had actually picked up on a train of thought and followed it to a semi-logical conclusion! Clunk. Thousands of jaws all over the world hit the ground.

'_ur teh pwn,'_ she told herself. '_u no hoo teh Perfess…er…Puhfess…er Kirke dude is.' _

Thousands of jaws all over the world were recovered with rapid and record-breaking speed.

Back to Mari, she smirked when Susan got snapped at by the Bat Woman for touching some _'hysterical architect' _and rolled her eyes when the woman made her 'no disturbing the prof-dude' speech.

This is where the story begins to reach its climax. Bat Woman caught the aforementioned eye-roll on the part of Mari Su, and turned her attention from ascending the stairs to the sinking expression on our heroine's face.

"And who might _you_ be?" she asked, her left eye twitching forbiddingly.

"Marianna Susanna," she answered. This never failed. Peter grew a foppish grin at her sweet, harmonical, musical, melodious, tuneful, lovely, engaging, pleasing, charming, only-describable-with-extensive-thesaurus-usage voice. Bat Woman, however, narrowed her eyes – left side still twitching furiously – and scowled.

'_teh gasp!'_ thought Mari Su. She was aghast. Astounded. Flabbergasted. Dumfounded. Thrown for a loop. Bat Woman was supposed to hear the previously-described sounds of her voice and instantly turn her suspicious hostility to indulgent benevolence.

But open hostility was nothing Marianna Susanna couldn't handle with a little bit of charm and common courtesy.

"Um, ur liek mrs. kirke, rite?"

Of all the reactions Mari Su expected, the one she got was not one of them. The three closer-to-canonical-than-Peter characters (namely, Susan, Lucy, and Edmund) watched the outcome with horrific delight.

The harried and hapless housekeeper hoisted a hewn head of historical Homer that happened to be at hand and cursed all alliterative authors.

Mrs. Macready, Queen of Historical Artifact Protectors but Most Definitely Not Married to Her Employer, rather haphazardly lobbed the statue in the general direction of Marianna Susanna's skull.

Now for the ultimate test, the test which involves the age old question: Which is thicker, the skull of a Mari Su or a lump of rock?

It was a close match.

Sadly, yet perhaps fittingly, Mari Su emerged victorious.

"teh HA!" she crowed, performing a little victory dance. In her revelry she noticed not the fallen head of Homer at her feet and, with a final doomed caper, tripped and kerthunk-kerbonked her way down the stairs.

Perhaps Homer was the victor after all.


	5. Oxford Has Its Day

**FIVE: Oxford Has Its Day **

_Written because, after all, what you don't know _**can**_ hurt you._

Of course, before you could finish saying "uncanonical fiend," Marianna Susanna got back into the Narnia movie canon and continued her dastardly OCed scheme (which, unfortunately, can't be prevented by any reasonable methods since it is not invented by any careful planning on the part of the OC but merely by said OC's existence). Since hairspray inhalation had worked last time, she tried it again – only this time she grabbed and sniffed intentionally. It seemed to have the same effect, since she found herself falling, falling, falling, and then finally…

Plop. Well, that wasn't such a dignified landing, but beggars can't be choosers (not that Mari Su thought she was a beggar). At least she hadn't landed in the rain, where the quarter-inch of makeup she applied daily would surely be ruined.

For it _was_ raining outside when she landed in the room with the four Pevensies. The odd thing (which Mari Su of course did not notice) was that each time she arrived they all behaved as if she had always been there. It was as if they lived in two different worlds – one where a 'Sue was and one where a 'Sue was not – and although these worlds were switching themselves rapidly, they never seemed to notice a change. Such are the natural discrepancies to be found in any story involving Marianna Susanna.

Unaware of the havoc she was causing, she looked around and realized it was that boring scene in the movie where Susan behaves like a snip and Peter looks gorgeous. (To Mari Su, that was every scene in the movie, but she didn't think ahead that way.)

"Come on, Peter," Susan snapped grouchily (a canon alteration – Susan must either be stupid or snappish; Mari Su preferred snappish), "_Gastro vascular_, you fathead!"

"Oh Petie!" cried Marianna aloud as her 'Petie' wiped away uncanonical tears of frustration and hurt. She whirled on Susan in what she supposed was a cool and aloof manner. "Thine fowl wurds shalst not…er…tucheth, liek, him, loser!"

Susan's expression darkened. Of course, because this is anti-canon, and there is a Mari Su here, and Susan is a jealous bossing ninny, this was not because Mari Su was dumb or was insulting anyone's intelligence or inflicting mental retardation on Susan's older brother. No, Susan was given a jealous, spiteful nature which immediately fired off when she saw someone who was clearly much more beautiful and intelligent than she.

Peter brightened with unrealistic swiftness. The look of adoring gratitude he was now giving Mari Su wasn't real either, or shouldn't have been.

"And for ur info, Su, _gastro vastricular_ is _Latin_." She didn't know what Latin was, but she hadn't watched the movie fifty-seven times for nothing.

Edmund snorted with laughter from the floor. "Is it Latin for 'worst game ever'?" He quipped, sending an OOC wink Mari's way. Mari giggled, and Petie scowled. Mari patted his hand, allowing their eyes to meet and as their heads bent towards each other—

"Let's play hide and seek!" A child's voice sounded quite loudly between them and they sprang apart.

Their moment was ruined. At first, Mari Su was inclined to pity the poor child – ugly as she may be – and play the game, but then she saw the malicious grin on the child's face – '_teh gasp!' – _and realized the request was merely a spiteful attempt to get her away from her _twoo wuv_.

'_Liek…teh brat…rooining teh lurrrv…' _These and similar fumations filled the mind of our heroine until, unable to suppress the strength of her right and just feeling, she burst forth.

"Shut up, brat, liek noone wants to play ur idiot game," she said piercingly. Actually, she whined, but that made no difference.

There was a frozen silence.

Peter stared adoringly at Marianna.

Edmund snickered and poked Lucy with a large and sharp stick which he had not possessed half a second ago.

Lucy's lower lip trembled in a very brattish sort of way (Mari Su thought).

Susan trembled with rage.

As for Marianna Susanna, she was the sitting duck who didn't duck soon enough. Slow-ducking sitting ducks swiftly become dead ducks and Mari Su less than happily followed in that tradition. She even let out an appropriate squawk when she saw her doom half a moment too late.

What was the cause of this doom? Was it Edmund with his sharp stick? Was it Lucy the Brat? Was it Susan the rage-trembler? Was it Peter, merely pretending to be love sick, and who was actually just plain sick?

It could be any of those, but it was in fact none.

The fact is this: On Susan's lap there sat the Oxford English Dictionary. Within the Oxford English Dictionary there resided many words. Had Mari Su ever perused that dictionary, she wouldn't have been able to pronounce half the words and would have recognized much less than that. And as the stupidity of Mari Su began to permeate the room, the dictionary began to be more and more offended. Mari Su's stupid mutation of the term 'gastro vascular' into 'gastro vastricular' didn't help anything either. The motive was strong, and at the opportune moment as Lucy sobbed and Edmund poked and Susan trembled and Peter love-sicked, the dictionary flew with unhuman speed and deadly accuracy right at Mari Su's head.

'_teh GASP…'_

What you don't know can't hurt you. But at least twenty-five pounds of it was enough to pulverize Mari Su.

**_A/N: In my first version of this, Susan threw the dictionary at Mari Su. Later on, after I'd said a different thing would kill Mari Su in each one, I thought maybe it'd be better if the dictionary just got fed up with her stupidity and took her out on its own accord. Someone said that Mari Su should die just by virtue of her own stupidity, and I guess that's what happens here. You may protest that an Oxford Dictionary with malicious intent is just plain unrealistic. To that I say: "Spot on!" After all, if Peter can have an IQ of a Krispy Kreme and Edmund can procure pointy sticks from nowhere, I might as well use the unrealistic nature of a 'Sue's story and turn it against her. And thus, Ladies and Gentlemen, Oxford had its day._**

_**On a final note, thank you, reviewers, one and all! It's quite encouraging to have such steady feedback, and every raving review makes me happier. Of course suggestions are quite welcome – if you'd like Mari Su killed in a particular manner or scene, please tell me. I only ask that you send such requests via a PM and not in the review box as I'd like to be able to maintain a slight element of secrecy and surprise. Thanks again! –JotM**_


	6. Interlude: Glassliek Pearls

**INTERLUDE: Glassliek Pearls**

…_Because a Mary Sue is as smart as a pearl is glassliek. _

"NO!" shrieked Marianna Susanna. "NO NO NO!" All other words in her severely limited vocabulary failed her temporarily, and she repeated "NO!" at least fifteen more times before coming up with something more original: "liek…liek…TEH NO!"

Her throat was strangely dry – not enough to harshen her lovely, bird-liek voice but enough to hurt her desperately. She was not accustomed to such bitter pain, and it rivaled that of a broken Forty-Dollar-Manicured fingernail.

The bitter remembrance of the Forty-Dollar-Manicured fingernail caused her to break out in desperate sobs. Pearly, glassliek tears cascaded down her flawless cheeks.

"im…liek…2 yung 2 loose lurrrv…" she gasped. "noone lurrrvs me….im liek teh most misrble gurl on teh urth!" Her sobbing was subdued by now, no longer so impassioned, but her shoulders still heaved delicately—beautifully. She raised eyes filled with glassy, pearl-liek tears and gazed mournfully at her dreary surroundings.

From the lousy canopy bed to the clunker of a latest Apple model computer to the shabby big-screen Plasma TV to teh cruddy Jacuzzi in her master bathroom, it all spoke of neglect and deprivation.

Had Marianna Susanna been more familiar with old terms, she might have cried "Alas!" But she had slept through the part of English on Shakespeare, and had forgotten about Hamlet and Ophelia.

'_teh WAIT!'_ she thought, gasping in remembrance of a very important fact. '_teh hrspry!'_ She meant 'hairspray.' _'it liek, trans…transpurts…trapsnorts…er, gets u 2 narnia!' _

She flung herself at her 5'x5' cosmetic table and dug through the contents. _'teh HA!'_ Seizing the hairspray, she held it under her nose, let out a gigantic _PUFF_, simultaneously inhaling with a _SNIFF!_

Nothing happened.

Nothing happened?!

Nothing happened!

'_teh…teh…teh…'_ Her level of thought process had gone from zero to the far and distant negatives. In vain she snatched up everything on the table – lipstick, liquid eyeliner, nail polish, enough cologne to water a fully grown camel, smelling salts, potpourri, _every cosmetic she had._ She even took a pinch of face powder and applied it as though it were snuff and she were a French aristocrat.

'Twas all in vain.

"i only seke my troo lurrv, my Will liek teh 1 i drem of," she whispered. Her radiant eyes – no longer filled with glassy, pearl-liek droplets – now flashed sapphire-amethyst-emerald-ruby-topaz-brown as they always did when she experience strong feelings. "my only wish iz 2 c my hunky Petie/Will. i wnt Will! but i cnt c him! im not gtng wht i wnt!"

And with that final declaration, she did what all mature, poised, well-bred, long-suffering ladies due in a crisis.

She pitched a fit.

Not just any old fit—a royal Marianna Susanna Deserves All But Does Not Get It fit. Complete with the holding of breath, and the thrashing of the legs, the howling of the vocal chords, the reddening of the face, the tearing of the clothes (she'd borrowed the shirt from her sister, or else she'd never have torn them).

'_teh GASP…teh GASP…NoOO…' _She was so busy gasping and noOOing and tehing that she forgot to breathe and passed out…

…only to find herself in "Narnia" again.

'_teh w00t!'_

**A/N:** _I thought maybe we should see what goes on at Mari Su's home. I also thought that 'pearly, glassliek' was rather funny. I think you'll notice that all (or most) of the 'like' words in this chapter are spelled 'liek.' I thought it only natural that that would happen in a writing which had to deal with a Mary Sue in her natural habitat. (Shudders.) _

_Next real installment coming soon! -JotM_


	7. PetieSweetie?

_A/N: Yay! I finally found something to post again! I have maybe four more chapters lined up to follow this one, but they need some major work and it'll probably take some time. I am really trying to make each chapter different and original. It's more difficult while they're in the Professor's house; I think the slaughterings will come more easily when they're in Narnia where there is so much more potential. I have the last two chapters for this story all planned out – far down the road, I know, but when inspiration hits you take it. At any rate, I hope you continue to enjoy this. _

**SIX: Petie Sweetie? **

Marianna Susanna reappeared just in time to hear Peter begin counting. "One…two…three…" For a moment she was enraged that he had gone along with teh brat's game after all, but then she realized that this could be just the chance she'd been awaiting.

She had read enough of the right fanfiction to know how the game of hide-and-seek could be played to a suitably romantic end: Dive into a snug closet and when Peter comes by pull him in too. What follows does not bear discussing, though Mari contemplated it for a good five seconds.

'_he'll nevr no wt hit him,' _she giggled, picturing Petie-Sweetie's lips on hers. She stepped into a nearby closet and left the door ajar. '_my troo luv will hav no chce but 2 kiss me bak.' _She giggled again.

But wait! Footsteps on the stair—it was he! All thoughts of her original Grab-Petie-Sweetie-Into-The-Closet-With-Me Plan vanished. Abandoning all imagined restraint, she flung herself into the corridor with a cry of "SHWEETUMS!"

Clinging to his strong, muscled arms and ready to feel their embrace, she was about to look into his face when—

"Bless my soul!"

Huh? That voice was not Petie-Sweetie's. It sounded…old. And…feeble. And…amused. And definitely _not_ hunky!

"Petie-Sweetie?" She queried in a quavering sort of way, and then ventured a look into his face.

That _face_ was _not_ Petie-Sweetie's! White-bearded, wrinkly, be-spectacled, brow furrowed in mild consternation—

It only took a moment.

"EWWW!" She tore herself from his embrace! –Well, actually, _she_ had been gripping _his_ arms while he stared rather bemusedly, but that's besides the point. It sounds better this way.

"AACCKK!" She gazed at him askance with a bright red face before turning and fleeing.

"AAAUUUUUGGHHHH!" As she fled in haste down the corridor, she overturned a suit of armour onto herself. Apparently they kept the axe-blades in tip-top sharp condition. Ouch. That had to hurt.

Meanwhile, Professor Kirke stroked his beard and shook his head despairingly. "I wonder—I wonder," he mused, "What _do_ they teach in schools these days?"

And he retired to his office, moaning in distress, while somewhere in another world Marianna Susanna picked herself off of her bedroom floor and went to find some aspirin.


	8. Curiosity Kills the 'Sue

_A/N: Short but to the point. (Grin.) Eh—having some problems with the ending of the next chapter but I hope to have it worked out by early next week. Cheers. -JotM_

**SEVEN: Curiosity Kills the 'Sue **

Because plot and character development are of no consequence in this story, Marianna Susanna re-enters the plot several scenes later and misses a few trifling details. After all, who cares about Lucy's entry into the wardrobe and subsequent angst? The public want to see Mari Su Shines scenes! So, as Lucy is followed by Edmund into the Wardrobe – which, by the way, does contain a country; minor detail there – our heroine is sneakily following them.

Her sole purpose: to protect her twoo wuv's dear younger brother. In reality, she had gotten lost on her way to use the facilities and only followed Edmund because she thought it was Peter. Thus this act on her part reveals a natural bravery and protective nature that she doubtless would not have had were she not so utterly and boundlessly witless. But that, however, goes without saying.

At any rate, she tripped blithely after the glowing candles. Plan Save Hunk's Younger Brother From Nefarious Fate was about to be enacted; one that was _sure_ to get Petie's undying love forever. Not that he didn't already drool at the sight of her, but she was looking for something deeper—something meriting twice the drool. Perhaps this was asking a lot for such a short relationship, but Mari Su appreciated commitment.

_Any moment now_—it would come!—_the wardrobe was near_—she would feel snow beneath her feet!—_she stepped inside_—the branches would brush her delicately—_she pushed the coats aside_—and—

**Crunch.**

Crunch? But she hadn't gotten to the snow yet! At least she didn't _think_…What was this 'crunch' business?

Bending down, she groped about and soon stood again. In her hand she held several white balls from which there emitted a sort of funny odor.

"liek cool!!1!" she thought. "genyoowine Narnian snow!" Although it looked differently and smelled differently, what else could it be?

Then she wondered if perhaps it didn't _taste_ differently as well? But perhaps it wasn't proper to eat Narnian snow…

She looked at the 'snow.'

The 'snow' looked back.

The temptation was too great. She delicately popped a ball into her mouth and, after chewing it resolutely, swallowed it down with a _gulp_.

'_umm_,' she thought, '_tasts liek—' _

How that thought was meant to be finished remains unknown, and so shall be to the end of time.

**Disclaimer: I don't know whether mothballs are so toxic as to render a person _statim mortuus_ (immediately dead) but I don't plan on finding out.**


	9. For Lack of Epinephrine

_A/N: I did First Aid training last week and I wanted to use Epinephrine in this chapter. This one is slightly more bizarre, but I like the way Mari thinks she can thwart the White Witch and doesn't realize the stupidity of her actions or the more obvious way to defeat the White Witch._

_Eesh. This is most definitely my weirdest chapter yet—just completely bizarre. Ah well. _

**EIGHT: For Lack of Epinephrine **

"And who is this creature that radiates loveliness and intelligence?"

Well, finally! Someone who spoke to her as she ought to be spoken to! But—wait—who was speaking?

Marianna Susanna blinked. Huh? Where was she—oh! In the Narnian snow—which she would never dare touch again much less eat—standing before a sledge. _The_ sledge. A tall blond lady was saying:

"Fair One, come sit beside me. This grubby brat shall remove himself from my sledge and wipe your feet."

Edmund scowled at this (he was the 'grubby brat') and grudgingly stepped down (it was more of a rude shove on the woman's part). Of course Mari Su never considered the implications of the _White Witch_ (the soundtrack cover…again) treating her as she thought she ought to be treated, but to her credit she was not fooled either. After all, _she_ had not watched the movie fifty-seven times for nothing. While she did not comprehend most things, she knew that this woman—_teh wht wtch_—was trying to hurt _'teh hunky 1'_ and that would certainly _not do_. She hadn't even kissed her hunkiness yet! The fact that _teh wht wtch_ occupied much of Peter's time and thought which could be better spent as Mari Su's _bf_ (boyfriend) did not win the Witch any bonus points with Marianna Susanna either.

"sry, ur teh wht wtch." She said this proudly, fully prepared to activate her innate magical skills against the rage of the witch which would surely result from Mari Su's brave response. What do you mean, "what magical abilities"? Of course she had magical abilities! Was this supposed to be shown earlier on in the story? Marianna Susanna's magical abilities should have been apparent from day one! Duh! Wasn't that a given?

Well, if the Witch had understood a word Mari Su had spoken, she might have had to defend herself with magic. More likely Mari Su would have died. The point is, however, that the words came out sounding more like "_Sure I support the right queen_" – if anyone wants to know how, Mari Su's have awful pronunciation – and the White Witch was actually pleased!

"Turkish Delight?" she offered Mari Su the box she had apparently been about to give to Edmund. The latter buried his head in the snow to quench his anger and rage. Why? Why? Why? Now _she_ would get all the power and glory, not to mention the Turkish Delight! Such were the thoughts of the grubby brat.

Marianna Susanna, slightly taken aback, was _almost_ fooled. Then she remembered something about the white stuff in the box—something wrong with it—it had been poisoned! Yes, she was almost sure that was it. She had been kind of sleeping at this point, because Peter wasn't in this scene and it was boring, but she remembered something about the stuff and her every instinct screamed to _not eat it._

A clever plan formed in her mind. If the witch wanted to get her, she would have to get her another way! Edmund moaned—a muffled sound, because his head was in the snow. "Srry, kid, its 4 ur good," she whispered to him. He didn't seem to hear her, but that didn't matter. Later on he would remember her words of tenderness and wisdom and recount them to teh hunky 1 and all would be well—after teh hunkiness kissed her, that is.

Then she enacted said clever plan. Of course the witch had poisoned the stuff she was offering Marianna Susanna because she had planned on having it ready. But if she were to ask for something _else—_

"ackshully, ill hav smthng els."

Operation Fool Teh Wht Wtch had begun.

Swiftly, with a flourish, the Witch procured a Snicker's bar. The box of Turkish Delight vanished, and Edmund began smothering himself with the snow.

Marianna Susanna ate greedily. She had shown her mental capacity and singular deductive abilities to be as they truly were (maybe you can work that out to be a good thing). But then—

Mari Su was one of the sorts of people who has trouble taking cues from their situation. This particular Marianna Susanna happened to have a strong allergy to peanuts. While typically she would have realized that a Snickers bar contains peanuts and therefore should not be eaten (what brilliant logic!), the success of the moment had temporarily blinded her. It was, however, the success of a very short moment, and our heroine's mistake eventually caught up with her slow mind.

'_TEH GASP!'_ the Snicker's bar fell from her shocked hand. The Dwarf dove after it. '_Im all… aller… ellarg… ellarcig…er, p-nuts r bad 4 me! Nooo…whrs my meds?'_ She fumbled about in a frenzy, but alas! No epinephrine had she on herself! I fear neither Witch nor boy (he had taken his head out of the snow and was watching with glee) nor the dwarf who was now devouring her candy – none of them knew CPR or would have thought to perform it.

Mari Su's last coherent—I mean, her last _conscious_ thought was: _'i bet teh brat gets my candy. sux, teh losr.' _And then she was falling…falling…waking in time to hear her mother announce tonight's dinner special: broccoli, brussel sprout, and asparagus casserole.

'_teh noooo…'_

_A/N: Just as a sort of FYI, while I do have up to chapter 20 or so plotted out as far as the method doom and destruction will fall upon our heroine, I don't foresee a whole lot of spare time in my schedule for the next four weeks. I will try to get chapters in as I can, but I won't promise anything. As soon as the month of May rolls around, however, free time and I will be our chummy selves again, and posting should pick up. So I'll do as much as I can, but please don't expect a lot, and if I fall off the face of the planet for a while – well, please know that I'll be back shortly. -JotM_


	10. Who Bowled It?

_AI AI AI! Finally the site lets me upload! Blessings and Brilliancy! Whoop whoop! _

_Okay. My elation has been let out now. Carry on. _

_A/N: Takes place right before the stained glass window is broken. _

**NINE: ****Who Bowled It?**

"Wake up, Dolly Daydream!"

Those who have seen the movie will realize that this remark was intended for Edmund—who scowled and set himself to give the cricket ball a good wallop—but it reached the ears of Marianna Susanna. She lifted her head at her hunkiness' plea of love and gave a squeal of distaste.

She was _lying_ in the _grass_!

Marianna Susanna _never_ lies in the grass when she can help it. Of course, she makes exceptions—for instance, if Peter were lying in the grass and she could get a corny romantic scene out of it. But to voluntarily drop down—_shudder—_never!

The next moment, however, she was diverted by the fact that Peter had gotten her name all wrong. He called her Dolly. Didn't Peter know the name of his own true love? He might as well have called his own brother "Dolly Daydream"! (Which, of course, would _never_ happen…right?)

Well, she was enraged. Jumping to her feet, she let out a plaintive cry.

"sweeter, its mari, ur peethrt!" –She meant to say 'Peter, it's Mari, your sweetheart,' but somehow it got garbled up. Let us be gracious to a point of deception and say that her entrance into Narnia caused her stupidity to surface in such an obvious fashion.

So enthralled was Peter at the sight of her that he didn't even object to being called "Sweeter," though Lucy snickered. Instead he halfheartedly lobbed the ball towards Edmund without even looking to see where it'd go; in fact, his lower jaw was hanging and the term 'doughnut' boy would have suited him. Glaze practically dripped from his expression, even without the drool.

Disgusting, yes; realistic, yes; 'teh hunky,' yes (the last one comes from Mari Su. Apparently drool is most attractive to teenagers nowadays. What _do_ they teach in these schools?!)

But while they were wrapped up in _teh lurrrv_ of _teh moment_, Edmund whacked the ball a good sound one.

Crack! This is not the sound of bat hitting ball, but of ball hitting head—head of Marianna Susanna, that is.

The instant her prone body vanished, Peter turned to Ed with a confused expression.

"Was there just a girl—?" he began.

"Yes, I think so," Edmund said slowly.

"Did you just—?"

Edmund twirled the bat expertly. No spoken answer was needed.

Peter spoke again. "Well—why—do you realize what you might've done?"

Edmund shrugged. "You bowled it."

_A/N: So…maybe some of the 'Pvnses' are starting to wise up, eh? Or maybe not…_


	11. Wardrobe Malfunction

_A/N: For a good oneshot story which involves a different sort of Wardrobe Malfunction (or perhaps what I would call Proper Wardrobe Function), go to North Wyn's profile (she's under my Favorite Authors) and read _The Mary Sue and the Wardrobe. _It's quite excellent, and I am proud to say that I managed not to directly copy off of it whatsoever in this chapter. Which was hard. _

_Short chapter, but I've got some review-motivation for y'all: the next two chapters are on my computer. You know what to do to get them. (Manipulative Grin. Whatever that is.) -JotM_

**TEN: ****Wardrobe Malfunction**

Marianna Susanna raced after her twoo wuv, huffing and puffing and squealing 'teh Macready!' at the top of her lungs every five seconds. She didn't really know why she was running—she remembered something about a ball and a lot of broken glass from the movie, but wasn't brainy enough to put two and two together. At the very least, she reckoned it could all be code for 'come smooch Peter in the upstairs wardrobe.'

If _that_ was the case, she was totally following.

So she huffed and puffed and squealed while the object of her affections, who hadn't noticed her reappearance, wondered when Lucy had gotten so obnoxious and loud.

There was a wardrobe up ahead—_teh yes!_ It had all been a code. _Time 4 teh kissin & lurrrv!_ She felt like jumping and screaming.

Our heroine leapt into the wardrobe after her hunkiness, ready to throw herself into his strong manly arms and smother him with burning kisses. She stood there in the doorway, framed by an ethereal light (she hoped), waiting for him to turn and shower her with affections and—

_Whump_. Susan barreled into the wardrobe, knocking Marianna Susanna over.

_Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. _Edmund and Lucy walked over Mari's delicate frame, not noticing her in their haste.

_Creeeaak._ Peter shut the door just enough to cause much pain in Mari Su's fingers, which were positioned in just the right spot.

_Thud._ That was the sound of Marianna Susanna's head striking the floor of the wardrobe in a way that must have been rather painful.

_Not 2 slf: whn kissin troo wuv in wrdrb, cloze dor tite. _

_Ow. _

But somehow—this time—the 'Sue didn't die.

_Dun dun dun..._


	12. Narnia! Squee!

**Thanks to IndigoSkies, who suggested the use of the Sue-ishly sickening expression "SQUEE!" I only wish the stars would show up on this page so I could use them. Ah well. **

**ELEVEN: ****Narnia! Squee! **

Marianna Susanna picked herself off the floor of the wardrobe, examining her battered hands and body with a look of distaste. She barely noticed the bruises as she contemplated what her makeup and hair must look like. And then makeup and hair were slightly forgotten as she realized—

_i didnt liek get kicked out of nrnia! teh w00t! _

She did her fist pump of victory and then let out the Marianna Susanna battle cry:

"SQUEEEEE!"

From outside there came a shocked "Ugh!" and a horrified exclamation of (Susan) "Oooh, Peter, I knew this place was dangerous! They even have hyenas!"

Failing to realize her vocal chords had just been likened to those of a hyena, Marianna Susanna had only one thing in mind (besides her hair and makeup): the name of her manly hunkiness otherwise known as Peter/Will.

She stepped quickly into the snow—skip all the marveling at finding a new world in the wardrobe; that was _so_ totally predictable and liek who _wouldn't _have guessed?—and was just in time to see Lucy paste Peter with a snowball. A rather well-aimed snowball. Her first instinct was to clobber the brat—the ball might have hurt Peter, and how could she kiss a bruised or chipped-tooth face?—but when Peter laughed and threw a snowball back she began to sulk.

_hmmph. teh brat gts away w/ evrythng. lozer. _

Just as she was contemplating forming a Sulk About Spoiled Sisters Society with Edmund, she remembered #1453 in the _Book of Corny Romantic Situations for Desperate Sues_ ('sue' being synonymous to 'dummy'), which is:

**#1453: **_Whenever possible, throw in several winter-themed chapters. These should include many snowball fights, which will allow you to employ various means of writing as many kissing scenes as possible. For instance, the heroine may sprain her ankle and be carried back to a place of warmth and security by the hero.. You might also consider the popular three-step process to a kiss: 1) fake hurt, 2) start kiss, 3) plaster snowball to back of head. Of course simply falling down on the snow and having him fall down in relative proximity to heroine always works too. And when all else fails, there is always the Ice Skating ploy, or the I'm Cold and I Don't Have Gloves ploy, or the Shiver So He'll Notice And Give You His Coat ploy. Examples of these and more can be found in appendix X, section Y, subsection 35, subsubsection 153 under 'Examples of Snow Scenes.' _

"liek, teh YAY!" she screamed. "i lurrrrrv snoball fites…liek, theirs sooooo much lurrrrrv & kissin'!!!1! OMG!!!1!"

And then she did it again.

"SQUEEEEEEEE!"

Before you could say "Snowballed", Mari Sue was. That is, Lucy and Susan pelted her with snowballs so quickly that her face was soon covered. By that point, Edmund seemed to think the snowball fight idea was more fun when nobody was throwing them at him, and he began throwing like mad…So much for starting a society with _him. _Peter, who didn't quite know what was going on, simply followed the crowd.

Fairly quickly, Marianna Susanna was well anchored in the snow and unable to move any of her limbs. So she sat there in dismay until the sight of the children preparing to leave brought her back to her senses.

Spitting out snow, she howled, "Petie luv! teh hunky, wt 4 me! dont leve me, Will…i mean, Petie…"

Peter stoically tried to resist.

Edmund sniggered. "Finding it harder to drool when she's covered with snow?"

"She doesn't seem the…same…" Peter agreed, trying to resist hitting his brother. "I think it's the air that does it to her, though, not the snow. It's changed something—maybe me, maybe whatshername."

Marianna Susanna caught the sound of Peter calling her 'whatshername' and let out a howl of dismay.

Edmund huffed in the meanwhile. "Oh, right. The air changes things—all this wonderful winter wardrobe air would do that to anyone. Please. I'll believe that when I see a horse talk."

Peter shrugged. "I was only speculating. No need to snap!" (He snapped that last part.)

"I was only snapping because _you_ were—"

"I was _what?! _Being decent?"

"Decent! If you call that decent—"

"Oh, plz dont fite!" This cry from Mari Su would have been pathetically heart-rending if it hadn't been so pathetically ear-rending. It might have held immeasurable desperation if she hadn't added with a giggle, "tho ur hott wn ur mad, Petie-lurrv-hunky."

"Watch it," Edmund said nastily—Peter's eyes had begun to glaze in a terrible fashion. "Your drool might freeze."

Peter started and stared at the girl, who was pursing her lips, giggling, and trying to wink a snow-crusted eyelid (it didn't look very nice).

It only took a few seconds for Peter to awaken—and react. Deftly he scooped up a handful of snow and…

Oomph.

A few minutes later, Marianna Susanna sat trying to wail through a mouthful of slush while Lucy quickly led the others to Mr. Tumnus' cave…and away from snow-covered 'Sue.


	13. Dumb and Dumber

Ever seen those stories where one character is Dark! and Angsty! and Suicidal! and Happy! and a thousand other things all in one shot? This is a slight parody of that…

**TWELVE: Dumb and Dumber **

Here, dear reader, is where our story diverges for a brief instance from the original plot and tries to do new things by ripping off bits and pieces of 'canon' by changing a letter here, a syllable here, but not doing anything original and yet still changing things.

Perhaps this is not clear, but it soon will be.

For, you see, when the slush-caked 'Sue opened her snow-crusted eyelids, she saw a faun bending over her.

"liek, ur a fawn!" she cried, in her exuberance melting all the snow off of her. Why hadn't she done that sooner? Well, for the sake of plot development (otherwise known as lack of brains), Mari Su's will do (or not do) anything.

Meanwhile, the faun showed traces of annoyance. "No, I'm a _faun—_not a baby deer." He grimaced. "Unfortunately, I must introduce myself to you, even though if I had seen a snow-crusted blob in reality I would technically avoid you and not spend my time bending over you so you would melt yourself and I would have to tell you my name. But nothing about this situation seems quite real anyway, and so I'd better tell you who I am."

Mari Su drooled. "liek, thos r big wrds." she said, looking bored and half-asleep. This guy wasn't even all that cute!

"My name is Dumnus." The man said, and immediately invited her for tea.

Marianna Susanna thought for a while—or tried, at least. Yes, it certainly seemed like the time for some plot development—time to throw the reader into anguished suspense.

"o, wl, dumbness—"

"It's DUMNUS," he growled. Mari Su ignored him.

"i htink im in lurrrv!" she giggled.

What?! No, in the name of icicles, no! Marianna Susanna _can't_ love Dumnus! She is destined to marry Peter! Their stars have crossed, their paths are chosen, their fate is together, and it should never be otherwise! Oh, the anguish! Oh, the suspense! Oh, the PLOT DEVELOPMENT!

…such should be the thought of the reader at this pivotal moment in the story.

"lets go hv sum t or srdeens or wtvr." She giggled. Not only did she need plot development, but she was hungry.

Dumnus sighed, but he took her back to his cave (which looked suspiciously like Tumnus', only Dumnus' father wasn't half so dorky) and made her tea. It took all his self control to refrain from dumping scalding water all over her when she did a Lucy impersonation ('err…liek…tell me abt nrnia, mr dumbness!'), but that's another matter.

Finally, Mari Su was tired of hearing him say "Well, right now, Narnia's having a spot of snow, doncha know!" and she was ready to get out of the Plot Twist and back to Peter the Hunkie Hottie—er, Pevensie.

It was time to wrap things up quickly.

Pathetic!Dumnus stood up and furrowed his brow. "Mari Su, I am an evil faun, working for a witch and trying even as we speak to sell you as wolf chow." The room got darker as he spoke. The fire grew redder, and his jaw suddenly sprouted muscles so that it looked more impressive as he clenched and twitched it about. His clothes became black and ragged; he looked gothic. But to Mari Su's mind the only thing that mattered was that he was way more hott than Pathetic!Dumnus.

Dark!Dumnus continued. "Watch me as I hypnotise you with my wicked Narnian lute power things." He pulled out a lute—whatever that was; it looked like a mangled combination of a guitar and a clarinet—and began thrumming and blowing. Don't ask how.

"teh gasp!" Mari Su cried. "u betrade me! u traytor!" Never mind that she was going to dump him the instant she found Peter again.

Then Dark!Dumnus transformed. The fire lost its redness and his jaw lost some of its muscleyness. He had painted on tears.

"Forgive me!" Emo!Dumnus cried. "I do not deserve your love!"

"ur rite, u dont," Mari Su said quickly. She had gotten very tired of this Plot Twist and was quite eager to get back to the familiar. Originality did not become her. "tak me 2 aszlan, an' he wil…erm…4gv u, mayB. i don't no if i cn." _'not aftr i meet petr agn, i wont.' _

But Dumnus had one more transformation to make. Emo!Dumnus lost the painted tears and became Suicidal!Dumnus who carried around all methods of doing away with oneself in his pockets. He applied these successively and died most effectively. Mari Su let out an anguished cry. Suicidal!Dumnus was _way_ cuter than Dark! and Emo! Dumnus. But such was life. She shed a silent tear (only one) for her twoo wuv but that's plot development and twists, after all. The thoughts of Dumnus as he was (Pathetic, Dark, Emo, and Suicidal) were replaced by thoughts of tehAwesome!Dumnus. tehAwesome!Dumnus was a kind, noble, wonderful, heroic, perfect, gentle faun despite the fact that he had been in pay of the Witch, attempted kidnapping, hypnosis, and homocide, and successfully committed suicide. His tender memory would last—

_teh Petr!_ Wasn't that his sweet voice she heard, just outside somewhere? Thoughts of her troo lurrrv came flooding back, each sweet memory of his tender words…well, he had actually never spoken to her…his loving droolings came flooding back. There he was, following a bunch of fat furry objects—those were his siblings, probably.

She flung herself outside and into his loving arms. "u havnt 4gtn me, Petie sweetie, say it isnt so!" she cried, tears streaming down her face.

Peter let out a contented (harried) sigh and said blissfully (bitterly), "There isn't much chance of that, I assure you!"


	14. Interlude II: Ice and Shadow

_Patience, my readers—we need a bit of interlude because I do want to have some sort of plot to this story and make the conflict between Canon and 'Sue a bit more pronounced and…intense. As intense as a parody should be (and not more, hopefully)—but we'll get back to the sue-slayings as quickly as possible. _

**INTERLUDE II: ****Ice and Shadow**

Within the frozen cell, two figures were hunched despondently against the ice-laden wall.

"I don't understand," one of them muttered—she was wearing a cloak. "I've done all that's in my power to get her _out_ of Narnia, but she keeps coming back—and now she lasts for two whole chapters?!"

"You'll soon fix that, I hope," the other figure said anxiously. The chains on his legs clanked uncomfortably as he shifted his position on the chamber's icy floor.

There was a clicking sound as something opened. It cast a funny blush light on the first figure's face: a laptop. "I'm an Author," she said grumpily, "not Aslan. I don't set the course of future, and I can't defeat the Witch. I'm just trying to save Narnia from the Mary Sue – a lesser fiend than the Witch, but a fiend all the same."

The chains rang out a second time as the other figure drew closer to the laptop. Its light revealed the pale, harried face of a faun: Tumnus.

"Look how my name has been mutilated!" he cried, sounding not unnecessarily annoyed. "No respectable faun would name their son 'Dumnus'—it's an insult to my entire race!"

"I've _told_ you, that wasn't my fault!" Author growled. "Somehow the 'Sue's fiendish nature seeped into the last few chapters, giving her more lasting power. But there is hope, at least—the children are beginning to resist her, slowly but surely, and I don't think they'll be fooled again now that they know she's here."

Tumnus laughed hollowly, but maybe that was just the empty echoes. "For the first part of the story, I hoped that this Peter fellow would not get into Narnia—that we had the wrong family—that such a witless oaf would not be King. I dare not believe that he is any better than the story indicates—but perhaps, if you say so…"

"It's not Peter," the Author broke in irritably. "I've said it again and again: the characters, in their natural and properly canonical environment, are perfectly decent. This is the Sue's evil—this is why she must be dealt with!"

There was a moment of silence.

Finally—"Will we ever get her out of here?" Tumnus whispered.

"The question is not, _'will we ever get her out of here_,' grimness filled Author's voice, as befits any character in a dramatic and harrowing situation. She stretched her frozen fingers and furrowed her brow, a gloomily hunched shadow in the frozen dungeon. "The question, my friend, is: '_Will she __stay__ out?'" _And with those words of foreboding and doubt, she went back to her typing, leaving Tumnus to his worries.


	15. teh Profitsy

_I was tickled to death when my friend showed me this: wwwdotthelionscalldotcom/comic.cfm?comicid29 _

…_Canon Keepers made it on the Lion's Scrawl by inspiring a comic strip! I'm so hyped I could squee! And then they put my story on the list on their homepage…wow. A proud day for Canon Keepers, Inc. Now I need to write more of that stuff. _

_Here's more Mary-Sue goodness. I think she does die at the end of this one, but I can't promise it. Oh, and if the storyline seems more condensed than the actual movie's, this is Sue-perception so I can get away with inaccuracy. __**teh ha!**_ -JotM

**THIRTEEN: ****teh Profitsy **

One of the fat funny things waddled over to where Peter was standing, "holding" Mari Su.

"Come on!" He said. "There's no time for this!"

"Yes," Peter said eagerly, dropping the vainly clinging lass. "No time to lose!" He raced up to where Susan was walking and, clutching her arm, said something which sounded suspiciously like 'save me!' But that could have been the wind.

"hes mi troo luv," Mari said proudly. Mr. Beaver looked doubtful—hadn't Peter just _dropped_ her?—but Marianna Susanna didn't notice.

"mi nam iz mriana suzna," she said, and they continued along the way.

Mari Su amazed them by her amazing 'Walk on the Snow' abilities. When they asked her how, she just smiled and giggled and murmured something about Legolas 'teh hottie orli' and a trip to 'mdl rth'. They didn't understand, so they stopped asking.

They made it to the Beaver's house in no time, having gone much faster than they did in the movie (they were prompted to move faster by the 'Sue's ceaseless prattle on all things 'lotr,' whatever that was).

"What a lovely dam!" Susan exclaimed. Mari thought to herself that it made perfect sense, a horrid girl like Susan swearing.

"Merely a trifle, merely a trifle—and it isn't even finished," Mr. Beaver responded.

'_i cud hav tol hm tht,' _she thought disdainfully. _'ugly pil of mud n stix, proly cold coz its covrd n ic. teh gros.' _(translate: I could have told him that…ugly pile of mud and sticks, probably cold 'cause it's covered in ice. (teh) gross.)

"Mrs. Beaver! I've found them!" the fat furry guy hollered. Skip the introductions and stuff about Badger; Mari Su was there and he wouldn't waste any time.

Out waddled another fat blob of fur with buck teeth. "Ooooh!" she squealed.

"I brought the Four and her as well," Mr. Beaver mumbled. His wife barely spared the other children a glance, so taken was she with Mari Su's radiance and presence.

"whts goin on?" Mari put on her best **Help! I'm a Confused Damsel With Too Much Eye Make-Up** face. "i dont undrstnd!" There wasn't anything to not understand, but it seemed a good conversation starter.

'_teh ha!' _she thought. _'htis iz whr i gt al teh attntn an' stff…whr petr relizs wht im teh pwn! liek teh YAY!!!1!' _

"Oh, come inside!" Mrs. Beaver hustled Mari inside, addressing the others sharply: "Wipe your feet!"

Mari smirked. This was totally payback on them for pelting her with slushballs. '_teh HA.'_

Mrs. Beaver served Mari a delicious dinner, giving the other kids some fish bones and a few moldy potatoes. They all sulked. And the Beavers babbled. And Mari Su thought about Petie-Sweetie-Hunkie-Hottie Pevensie's dreamy eyes (he looked way cute when he was sulking!).

Then Mr. Beaver said: "They don't know about the Prophecy!"

Mari Su sat up straighter—despite the fact that she ha d been sitting up perfectly straight all along. '_teh profitsy!'_ she thought exultingly. '_htis iz my momnt!'_

Oh, in the meantime Edmund had betrayed them all and snuck out before he heard the good stuff. '_lozer.'_ Mari Su decided she wouldn't disturb the story by mentioning that fact. Oh, the irony…

"The Prophecy says—" Mr. Beaver began, but Marianna Susanna cut him off.

**wn adms flsh n adms bn **

**sts n cr prvl n thrn **

**teh evl tm wll b ovr n dn **

The four children winced. Mari Su looked dreamy.

"You know…" Susan said suddenly, as if realizing perhaps she should say something. "That doesn't exactly rhyme…or make sense, even."

"ur mssng teh pnt!" Mari cried.

The four children grimaced.

It was time for Mari Su's monologue.

"there rnt evn teh pnt n-e-wayz." (They're aren't even the point anyways) She declared intelligently. "im liek totally teh pnt! & teh pwn. & teh awsm rox prsn. yah." (I'm like totally the point. And the pwn. And the awesome rocks person. Yeah.)

Maybe it doesn't make sense, but it did to the 'Sue.

"im Marianna Susanna Greenoughboroughleighsonshiremcdrakedoughlanedonnellripleyler!" she proudly proclaimed.

The Beavers gasped.

"Not _the_ Marianna Susanna Greenoughboroughleighsonshiremcdrakedoughlanedonnellripleyler?!" they cried.

Mari nodded. "teh only Marianna Susanna Greenoughboroughleighsonshiremcdrakedoughlanedonnellripleyler!"

In the silence that followed, someone said "Thank goodness!" But Mari Su was too caught up in trying to think if she had gotten all the syllables in their proper order to catch it, and the Beavers were too caught up in staring at Mari Su to care what any of the others said.

"The _real_ Prophecy!" Mrs. Beaver said. "Tell them!"

"Wait!" Peter cried. "I thought we were important here!"

"dont wrry," Mari giggled. "petie sweetie, ur liek my troo luv, ur vry mprtnt."

"Thanks for the honor," Peter snapped. The sarcasm was lost on Mari.

"You have to hear this prophecy!" Mr. Beaver cried, still in Sue-speak.

Mari Su flung out her arms dramatically for silence, knocking Peter off of his stool. "Listen!" She commanded. Then, focusing all of her evilly Suish intent on Mr. Beaver, she said: "TELL THEM!"

For the sake of legibility, Mr. Beaver's speech shall not be put into Sue-speak as it was spoken. Suffice it to say that it was dreadfully beyond dreadful.

"**When a child of wonderful breed**

**Comes to do a wonderful deed **

**This shall be the wonderful key**

**And true love shall always succeed. **

**Marianna Susanna is her name**

**A name of vastly widespread fame**

**A fairy-elf-nymph: one the same! **

**Protector, Guardian, Ruling Sovereign." **

So she had had trouble with the last rhyme. So she had had to come up with it on teh spur of the moment. So there were sixteen more verses describing the vastness of her love for the High King and the beauty of her wedding gown and the color of their childrens' hair and the flower arrangements for their fiftieth anniversary party. All in all, Mari thought she had done a pretty good job.

The four children (well, actually two—Edmund was gone and Peter was still out cold) looked gobsmacked, as if they had never heard anything like that before. They probably hadn't. Mari Su thought what a pity it was that Peter hadn't heard her wonderful poem which she had so cleverly warped into Mr. Beaver's mind.

Mr. Beaver continued with an explanation:

"There's a prophecy about a fifth child—a child who would come with the Four—but who would fill a much more important role. This child is a Fairy-Protector-Elf-Guardian-Enchantress-Nymph-Ninja-Jedi-Queen." –Mari Su bowed modestly here for effect.— "She will rule as High Queen with the High King Peter, who doesn't know he's High King until Aslan tells him, but who cares because I'm already messing with canon in the name of Marianna Susanna Greenoughborough—."

He stopped, as though his tongue had failed him, and took another breath, trying again. Marianna Susanna Greenoughboroughleighsonshire—."

Again, he was unable to finish. "Marianna Susanna Greenoughboroughleighsonshiremcdrakedoughdonnell—."

"Come on!" Mari Su whined (in Sue-Speak). "I'm sick of this! Tell them the rest—all about how I'm the most beautiful Queen in the world—how the nymphs and dryads come gaze upon my beauty—how all the princes of far lands contest for my hand—how I can perform a thousand magical…things…how I am mightier than the Witch, mightier than Aslan—!"

Then, a funny thing happened. Mr. Beaver's face tightened. For half a second, he looked normal again. With a red light in his eyes, he raised his pewter tankard with both hands and brought it crashing down on Marianna Susanna Marianna Susanna Greenoughboroughleighsonshiremcdrakedoughlanedonnellripleyler's whining head.

The next moment, there was no 'Sue.

Both Beavers looked confusedly at the children. Lucy looked as if she'd just figured something wonderful out. "WHERE'S EDMUND?!" she shouted suddenly.

"But Lucy!" Susan hissed, as the Beavers began frantic dialogue concerning Edmund. "That girl just disappeared in thin air—I saw her—and you want to know where _Edmund_ is?!"

"Yes," Lucy replied, "but I don't think the Beavers noticed—remember back at the Professor's, when things were so odd?" Her words were broken up as they had begun to run after their brother now. "We didn't realize it then—but there are things about that that don't make sense—the memory's a bit foggy—and I wonder if she didn't have something to do with it. At any rate, they've just got to get used to her."

"You think she'll be back?" Susan cried.

Lucy turned to say 'yes,' but her words were lost to the wind. She was not wrong, either.

When Peter and Mr. Beaver began their argument over saving Edmund, suddenly Mary Sue was in their midst. She flung herself between them, crying out: "ill sav thine bruthr, Sweetie Petie!"

A strange thing occurred. It seemed that Peter, taken off his guard in such a way, and with the 'Sue's will bent towards him and him alone, he was about to assume the personality of brainless drool-factory again. But Mr. Beaver, who had previously been so taken with her, once he had fallen back into the category of 'useless side character' in the mind of Mari, had never been so startled and outraged in his life.

"Here now, who are you?!" he cried.

"im Marianna Susanna Greenoughboroughleighsonshiremcdrakedoughlanedonnellripleyler!" she cried. Apparently she had lost her hold on him without realizing it. "teh profitsy has fortld me!" She started towards Peter.

Mr. Beaver pulled her back. "'Ere now, the prophecy don't mention _you!" _A thousand blessings on the obstinacy of Beavers. "An' I don't think much of the way you're turning 'is 'ead at a time like this, I don't!" No more Sue-speak for _him_!

"im teh Fairy-Protector-Elf-Guardian-Enchantress-Nymph-Ninja-Jedi, Queen Marianna Susanna Greenoughboroughleighsonshiremcdrakedoughlanedonnellripleyler, troo lurrrv 2 Kng Petr, destined 2 rescu teh bruthr n dngr!" Her eyes flashed dangerously—if butterflies are dangerous, that is. "stnd bck b4 i use my pwr!"

"Alright then," Mr. Beaver stepped backwards, and his eyes _were_ flashing dangerously. With one swift movement he pushed the 'Sue down the hill towards the eerie castle. "Go save your 'twoo lurrrv's' brother." As the Mari Su daintily picked her way over the snow, he said with a wink to Susan and Lucy, "I don't reckon we'll see _her_ again!"

Neither of the girls shared his confidence, but the thought was soon forgotten as the sounds of wolves filled the night sky.


	16. Apples Don't Fall Far

_It's a bit difficult putting pseudo-archaic (Sue-do archaic! Get it? Haha!...ahem) phraseology into Sue-speak—it's rather unintelligible, actually. If there's something that doesn't make sense, it either wasn't meant to – or I'm sorry and you can message me about it. _

_This chapter includes Dramatic!Sue and Angsty!Sue, along with the No. 1 choice of our audience—Dead!Sue! Woohoo! __-_JotM

**FOURTEEN: ****Apples Don't Fall Far**

Marianna Susanna made her way lightly down the snow-covered slope using her 'teh awsm legls sno wkng skls.' Her creamy white pale flawless snow-like skin gleamed in the gleaming moonlight, outshining the sparkling twinkling glittering shinning snow. Somehow she had acquired a white flowing gown, a diamond necklace, and a white rose which she held in her right hand. There were flowers in her golden yellow hair. A thousand-pound makeup job emphasized her eyes, which flashed sapphire/azure/cerulean/cobalt/periwinkle (as opposed to their usual color – which was emerald/jade/amethyst/ruby. Whichever one suited her mood. Well, they changed to fit her mood—yes, that's it, they changed to fit her mood.) In fact, they emphasized them so well that they were rather swallowed up. She was 'teh-grgs-awsm-pwn,' to put it mildly.

She reached the castle door and entered gracefully, nearly turning back from fear – a tremor ran through her perfect body – because she knew it would be a bitter struggle – but she imagined the sweet kisses of gratitude her 'petr' would give her and summoned her courage. They would surely make her Queen after this! 'teh HA!'

The wolf, Margim, or something like that, never woke from his sleepy slumber, so light was her fairy-footfall (remember the profitsy—she was a fairy too!) Up the stairs she went, gliding in all her awesomeness. (Cough. Choke. Stammer.)

"Who enters my halls?" a cold voice demanded coldly, the cold words coldly threatening to strike cold fear once again into Mari's heart, but instead she coolly answered—

"i, Marianna Susanna, ntr ur hlls!"

She would have to remember to install a good echo into the throne room at Cair Paravel – her imperious voice sounded _so _much better with an echo! Peter wouldn't object – after they were blissfully wed, she would have him under her thumb.

"Another brat!" the Witch exclaimed, amazed. "But you cannot be one of his sisters, surely? You bear him no resemblance…and you are dressed in a much different fashion…"

Mari noticed with her uber-sharp noticing skills that Edmund was nowhere to be seen. She deduced with her uberly-uber sharp deducing skills that he must be in jail.

"teh profitsy spk of me!" quoth she majestically.

"Fool!" Jadis said icily (get it? Heh heh…) "You speak in babblings and ravings…surely you are mad, especially to come here armed with what? A rose!" she aimed her wand at the posy and turned it to stone.

"teh gasp!" Mari cried. The rose was too heavy, and she dropped it on her stiletto-clad foot. With a few clumsy capers of pain, the six-inch heel of her left foot snapped off, leaving her looking comically unbalanced. Jadis laughed cruelly.

"You are no more than a child, while I, Jadis—"

But Mari had more weapons than a mere rose. She had a…PLOT TWIST!

"teh gasp!" she cried. "jadis wuz mi mthr!"

The Witch understood something of this, apparently, for she went white (heh!) with dismay. "Your _whaa—haaa—haaat?!" _she cried, suddenly groping for her throne and sitting rather heavily on it. "Are you implying that I would ever be mother to something so…so…utterly…"

"wrds dont dscrib me, dont try," Mari said serenely, recognizing her "mother's" stammerings and gropings as the signs of starved love which knows when it sees something it has missed.

"You…you…dare…" Words still failed the Witch, and finally she gave up, shaking her oddly-be-haired head.

"im teh fifth, of teh profitsy, mthr…" Mari began.

"Fifth of the…profitsy…you don't mean to say that in your idiot head you think that there are _five_ in the prophecy?"

"teh profitsy sd…"

"PROPHECY, imbecile, PROPHECY!" The Witch let out a shudder and covered her face with her hands. "You _can't_ be my daughter—you _can't!_ Please, in the name of Charn, let it _not_ be so!"

"jadis wuz mi mthr." Mari insisted, not realizing it's best to stop when you're ahead.

"Liar!" The Witch cried. "Liar on two counts—the prophecy never mentioned you, and you are _not_ my daughter!"

"ive got ur magik—" Mari asserted vainly, wobbling about in a lopsided fashion as she tried to look majestic - and failed. It's hard for anyone to look majestic with a broken six-inch stiletto, even a Mary Sue.

"Liar." The voice growled again.

"u wer a crul mthr, jelus of mi beuty n tlnts, bt im wlng 2 4giv. only gv me mi troo luv's brthr!"

Then the White Witch did something unthinkable. She looked straight at Marianna Susanna—and _laughed. _This is no joke. She was laughing _at_ Marianna Susanna – because she didn't take Mari Su seriously. Because she found her, in fact, _laughable._ Incomprehensible as this may be, it _actually happened._

Marianna Susanna was mortified. "u hav laffd at me!" she cried.

"I'm glad your thick head is able to figure some things out," her "mother" replied coldly.

"sinc u wont lt me 4giv u, I mst trn 2 strngr mthds. Im srry, mthr." Mari sighed.

"I'm NOT YOUR MOTHER!" roared Jadis. Mari ignored her, instead raising her arms to summon her Suish powers and vanquish the Witch once and for all, but Jadis had other ideas. With a cry of, "_If you're my daughter, get yourself out of this one_!" she raised her wand….

Somewhere in suburb America, a little boy stumbled in the back door of his house. His name was Garrison Stuart (with a very long, very dreadful last name that doesn't bear repeating). He might have been a decent boy, but he lived in a Sue's world in a Sue's house as a Sue's brother, and thus was rather dreadful. In a more realistic story, I'm sure he would have been quite nice. At any rate, he flung himself through the back door and latched onto his mother's apron.

"Mom! Mom!" he hollered. "You'll never believe what I just saw! There's a new statue on our lawn outside – and it looks _just_ like Marianna!"

Back in Narnia, the Witch looked bemusedly at the puff of pink smoke that had been Marianna before she was transported back to wherever she came from. "I doubt she'll be back after that… but if she does come back, I might have some use for her."


	17. Interlude III: Eyes and Ears

**INTERLUDE III: Unseeing Eyes, Unhearing Ears**

All of a sudden, Marianna Susanna found herself standing somewhat awkwardly (still missing the heel of a stiletto) on her front lawn, unable to move.

Why had it happened? Mari couldn't remember—or maybe this was denial on her part. All she told herself she remembered was a flash of blue and then choking on pink smoke and then coldness…and now she couldn't move.

Well, at least she could _see!_ She was on her front lawn and her brother was bawling a few feet away—she didn't know why. (He was in fact pitching a fit because Mom had scolded him for telling fibs about his older sister being a lawn ornament.) She could hear him howling so that must mean she could hear…excellent bit of deduction there, Mari.

"Marianna." Wait. That voice was _not_ her brother's. It was bigger—stronger—deeper—more _real._

She couldn't open her mouth, but she tried to speak and found she could anyway. This was strange but then the Unseen Voice was strange too. "Who are you?" she asked. _'I'm…I'm not using leet!' _she gaped inwardly. '_This is __so__ uncool.' _She gave a few 'teh's for good measure but all that came out was "the." Gag.

"Who are you?" She repeated, finding her ability to Sue-speak momentarily lost.

"I am He," the voice began, and it didn't sound very happy, "whose country you have infiltrated, whose subjects you have persecuted, and whose High Author (being myself) you have offended."

"Umm…" At least she could say 'um'! So she hadn't _completely_ lost her coolness. Thank goodness.

"Come now, High Author," another voice broke in—lighter, and yet still severe. "Give her some credit. She managed to drive the Witch absolutely _mad_, which is one thing in her favour—not that it will help her. Filthy little maggot—"

"Peace, young author," the Voice (High Author?) continued. "I ask that you remain silent—I will speak to the 'Sue."

"Who _are_ you?!" Mari squeaked again. She was feeling _very _uncomfortable, for there was a fly on her nose and her brother was still blubbering and she was hearing voices! All this at once is very stressful.

"I," the voice said simply, "am."

"Well, _duh,_" said Mari loftily. This was her fall-back response for situations where she was clueless and didn't care to show it. She used it quite frequently.

"Child, I will take you from this stony prison and make you free. But I warn you—do not attempt to enter Narnia again, or you will find yourself in an…uncomfortable position. You see…" the Voice was soft as a cat's fur, sharp as its claws, deadly as its teeth. "…you see, I am come into my country now, and you will not find it the same, I fear."

"I'll go back if I wish!" Mari's voice rose sharply, shrill in contrast to the Voice. "You can't _make_ me stay and you _won't_ stop me from going!"

Resignation filled the Voice. "I knew it would be so. Even as you say, so it shall be—look, the hour is at hand."

"I wish you'd go away!" Mari said petulantly. She did not like this solemn Voice at all. It "annoyed" her.

"Do you?" the Voice asked.

"I am in the Prophecy!" Mari shrieked. "I am Jadis' daughter—I am---I tell you _I am!_ You shan't change that—I want to be that way—I am going to marry Peter—_I am!—_and I _have to be!_"

"Do you?" the Voice said again, and then left—or at least stopped talking.

Mari shut her eyes at this, and then realized she _could_ shut her eyes and opened them again—she wasn't stone—and—

"SQUUUEEEEE!!!!!"

Or at least that's what she meant to do. It came out more as "SQUEEee…e…_eee…_eee…gasp…cough…whimper…" She keeled over and gasped out, "teh…teh…whts gng on?"

"I say!" Came a voice quite close by. "It's Marianna—and she's looking rather green!"

It was Susan.

Marianna opened one eye—moaned "Petie!" and then the world whirled about her and—

Blackness.

_A/N: Young author's "me", obviously, though that person will never really be known as JealousOfTheMoon. Anyone who can't guess High Author/Voice's identity correctly would probably make a very good Mary Sue. (I'm only slightly kidding here!) If the line "the hour is at hand" doesn't tip y'all in, well…I shall be very downcast. _

_Next update written and should come along shortly! I suppose now is as good a time as any to say that I shall be absent for the last 3 weeks of July and therefore will not be updating at any time then. Updates should not be _expected_ to come at any time during July. If they do come early or late in the month, consider it a surprise. _

_God bless. __–JotM_


	18. Don't Hug the Wrong Tree

_I turned the last chapter into an Interlude. Anything that is remotely resembling seriousness shall henceforth be an interlude in this story; something that actually gives it plot. _

_Here's the next bit. Written because, after all, you knew it was going to happen sooner or later_.

**FIFTEEN: ****Don't Hug the Wrong Tree**

Marianna Susanna awoke to find herself on the ground. She instinctively knew this must be the part of the movie where the four children climb a tree and hide from the wolves—this was just one of her many wonderful powers which should have been assumed by the reader long ago. Thus she surmised that she should probably climb a tree as well. She staggered somewhat lopsidedly towards their tree—curses on the broken stiletto!—but before she could as much as touch the bark, Mr. Beaver bared his teeth at her from above in what could not be described as a friendly manner.

For once, Mari Su could take a hint.

"teh sux," she muttered, inwardly rejoicing to find her kewlness of speech had returned, but very downtrodden at not being able to share a tree with her one true love. Oh, well. She reached for another tree, stumbling awkwardly over her heel-less stiletto.

Now is the proper time to point out several key factors about the situation at hand.

_The tree was cold_. This is important because cold trees make cold hands, and cold hands are very rarely of any use.

_The tree was icy._ Ice is slippery.

_The tree was slick._ Slickness does not make for good climbing.

_Mari was puny._ Woefully underweight, she was unable to achieve more resistance than a toothpick.

_Mari was dangerously short of wit._ Meaning she didn't have much in the area of common sense…or any sense.

_Mari had never climbed a tree before._ This makes climbing a cold, icy, slick tree all the more perilous.

These may seem simple thoughts, but put together you may picture more fully what follows next.

First, she scrambled. Her feet pushed fruitlessly against the bark, but she didn't achieve any height. Even with her ice-pick heels…well, she was missing one. No good.

Then, she clawed. Even her inch-long three-times-polish-coated nails didn't do much good, though they got her a good inch off the ground before she slid back down. Everyone winced, since the sound was very much like that of a nervous cat sliding down a chalkboard.

She tried grunting in frustration. This didn't get her any higher up the tree, but it did relieve her of some stress.

Finally, she tried her teeth. By the time she reached the first branch, her mouth was full of icy bark, and she opened it to spit it out—

"Waaahh—!"

She barely grabbed the branch with one toothpick-puny hand, just as the wolves poured out of the tunnel. The whole tree shuddered, and the branch she was clinging to gave a violent shake.

Fear not! The gory details will be spared you, gentle Reader.

Mari (who never had a very good grip with her cold, puny, toothpick-like hand on the cold, icy, slick branch anyway) went down. Suffice it to say that it was _very messy_. The wolves received a sudden shock as a girl clad in sort-of sparkling white with one stiletto landed in their midst, splattering several of them with pink goo (often a result of pulverized 'Sue). The wolves unlucky enough to get nailed with the the Sue-goo began acting very strangely—giggling and stumbling and smoothing their hair (if they had tried to howl, it would have come out as a "squeee!" instead).

What had gone wrong? Was it the puniness of Marianna Susanna, or was it the iciness of the tree? …well, neither. See, Mari had the unfortunate fortune of latching onto the _wrong kind of tree._ That is, she had climbed a tree that was _not_ on the Witch's side—one that was a Good tree. Once the tree realized just what was clinging to her—well, a shudder of revulsion, one violent shake later, and the tree gave a satisfied murmur as it found itself free of the gob of scum that had previously clung to it.

Of course the gob of pink glitteriness vanished in an instant. You are used to this routine, and by now quite bored with it. Suffice it to say that Maugrim forgot her and turned his attention to the slippery fox, while Mari Su had a hissy fit on her bedroom floor and her mother wished that Gary had been correct when he'd said Mari was a lawn ornament. Lawn ornaments, after all, are quiet!

_I'm going someplace—I'll be gone for nearly a month and there won't be any posts. This is the last 'till then. Hopefully I'll return with something akin to freshness for this story—it's beginning to bore me a bit. I'll get back with it then I'm sure. I don't know how much I'll be posting after I return anyway because I'll be starting some college work then but we'll see. _

_I've got another story coming up pretty soon, too; another very different sort of humor. It's either a "What if?" story or a "Why?" story or maybe a good deal of both, and I think it will be rather funny myself. I hope it doesn't get me banned from the good graces of all decent Lewis fans, though. We'll see; perhaps it won't be too sacrilegious. I can promise you it isn't dirty or Mary Sueish, but I won't say it isn't ludicrous. I could post the first chapter, but it's such a cryptic bit that it would be cruel (in my opinion) to leave you with that for a month and not give you anything and I'm afraid it would spoil the effect of the story. So I'm just warning you that it's coming, and maybe you can guess what it is. _

_Ramblishly, __JotM_


	19. Interlude IV: Mable!

_Okay, so here's the deal: it's been a while since I've posted anything, and I'm realizing more and more the need to give this whole setup more of a plot. It's been great fun mauling the Mary Sue in each of the movie scenes, of course, but looking over the story so far I realized that it is indeed on the verge of becoming a "more of the same" type of story. So here I am, trying to not necessarily change what is going on as far as the real plot (aka, Aslan saving Narnia) but changing up the stuff with the Sue more in the background of the story. Hopefully it will be a bit more interesting than just watching the Sue die repeatedly, but if it doesn't work, please let me know...we'll work this out somehow! ...And no, before you read, my name is _not_ Mabel. I don't have anything against the name...it's just not mine. _

**Interlude IV: Mable...?!**

Click…click…click…click…

The sound reverberated off the icy walls, causing the head of a heavily cloaked figure in chains to snap to attention. It could only mean one thing: someone was coming. And then…

Jadis, Ice Woman and some time Queen-of-Narnia-Wannabe-Extraordinaire, burst imperiously into the dungeons.

"Authoress!" she demanded shrilly. "Speak to me, wretch!"

The woman in question looked up, half-defiant and half-nonchalant with a bit of discomfort mixed in (not only was she in a chamber made of ice, but she was also attempting to perform the stunt known as Sit On My Laptop In Such A Way That The Laptop Is Effectively Concealed But Not Crushed. One of the most difficult stunts of all, I'm told).

"You could just call me Mabel," she said mildly.

"Mabel." Jadis spat the name out with no small measure of distaste. "Is that your name? What idiot parent chooses the name 'Mable'?!"

The authoress shrugged and gave a huff of a sigh. "It's not my name… It just popped into my head. Thanks to you, I'm now going to get hate mail from all the readers who've ever liked or possessed the name "Mabel." But if you care to know my real name—"

"Fool! I am Jadis, Queen of Narnia, Empress of the Lone Islands—I do not care for your lowly name. I wish to see that ridiculous device of yours."

The girl shifted against the icy wall uncomfortably. "Eh…what device—?" Her words were cut off by the appearance of a wand prodded rather ominously under her blunt chin.

"The box you are concealing by means of sitting upon it. Now."

When the authoress did not comply immediately, she was shoved aside and the laptop unceremoniously seized by the White Witch. "What are you going to do with it?" she cried, as the gate slammed shut. Hey, she had to work in some drama _somehow…_

The Witch paused. "This Mari Su," she said finally. "I wonder. She may be of some use."

The Authoress sprang to her feet swiftly, a dark look on her face. "Jadis!" she cried. "Hear me now! This Mari Su—Mari Su is not her name only, it is her nature. She _is_ Mary Sue—that is her essence, her being, and she is beyond you—yes, even you, great one of Charn though you ay be. She did not enter _your _story or _your_ world; you are in _her_ story. If you tamper with her, or attempt to manipulate her for your own purposes—then I fear what may befall us all."

Jadis' mouth twitched with haughty amusement. "You are a coward, then," she said, turning to leave.

"Jadis!" the authoress cried once more. "Hear me!"

But the ghost of a mocking laugh was all that came in response, echoing down the winding corridors of ice.


	20. The Problem of Pi

_Yes, HTKANMS is finally back! I sort of wrap up all the Authoress/Jadis dialogue in the chapter; we'll get back to more of the just plain ridiculous in the coming chapters. _

Written: _because I think people who spend hours calculating pi to the eonth digit and then posting it on websites are hilarious. _

**CHAPTER 16 – The Problem of Pi **_-by JotM_

The girl stumbled into the clearing shortly after the fox vacated it, falling into a crumpled heap just outside the circle of humans and beavers around the fire.

"My goodness!" Susan gasped, springing to her feet.

"Stay, Daughter of Eve," Mr. Beaver said sharply. "I think it's _her_—and who knows what she may yet attempt."

So they all sat silently, watching the huddled body.

Suddenly, a strange thing happened. The girl leapt to her feet. It was Marianna Susanna, but something was different.

"Ha ha!" she cried. "Hiyah—HAH!" She executed several perfect tae-kwon-do moves, throwing in a back flip or two for good measure. "So she—I mean, I _can_ be powerful!" she crowed triumphantly. "What a powerful weapon!"

"Peter," Susan queried slowly, "Are you salivating this time?"

"No," Peter whispered. "It's almost as if it's because she doesn't want me to. Like she's got a different goal this time, and it's not me."

"This is bad—very bad," Beaver said in a low tone. His face was grave. "Worse than ever before. I know a traitor when I see one—call it an instinct—and something tells me that _she_ is now in _Her_ clutches."

"Mari Su?" Lucy said disbelievingly. "Why would the Witch want such a worthless—?"

"I'm _not_ worthless!" Mari chirped "I'm powerful—" she punched a nearby rock. It shattered. "I'm smart, too!"

"Impossible!" Susan scoffed.

"Hmmph," Mari sniffed. "Pi to fifty places! 3.14159…"

'Children, back away slowly," Mr. Beaver whispered.

"…26535…"

The five figures slunk slowly into the darkness of the surrounding trees. Mari was still chanting: "…8979323846…"

They had just turned their backs to run for it when Lucy cried, "Look!"

The 'Sue's eyes began to bug out and her tone became decidedly frantic. "26433… gasp...83279…gasp…502…teh gasp…88…teh… teh…4…um…no…5…no…6…liek…maybe ill strt again…3.13…3.17…euuurrghh…"

Open-mouthed, three children and two beavers watched as Marianna Susanna exploded into a jumble of pink, sparkling numbers which blew away on the breeze. No one knows exactly what became of them, but a hedgehog living a few miles away later grew up to be a brilliant mathematician.

_An enraged Jadis threw open the cell door. "Authoress," she spat, eyes ablaze. "Explain how, after I gave her brains and power and immortality, Marianna Susanna managed to die in the end! I will not lose such a powerful tool—especially since I see now the eldest Son of Adam might be swayed. Tell me what you have done to this device—" she shook the laptop as an indicator—"and I will spare your life!"_

_"My life is not yours to spare," the Authoress responded airily, "so I'm afraid there's really no reason to tell you anything."_

"_Very well," Jadis sneered. "If I cannot control her, neither shall you!" She tapped the laptop with her wand, turning it into a laptop-shaped hunk of ice which she threw against the wall. It shattered. She whirled around on the Authoress in triumph, but to her great surprise the girl was laughing. _

"_Oh, Jadis," she said finally, wiping tears of mirth away. "I never really _controlled_ the 'Sue—didn't I tell you she was beyond even you? I was merely an observer who provided a few helpful nudges here and there. If you weren't so stubborn, you'd understand why. This is Aslan's country, and the 'Sue is everything that Aslan is not. My help does not matter; the land itself will swallow her up if it must, for everything about this place cries out against her. Rather reminds me of someone else, actually," and she fixed a pointed stare on the Witch. _

"_Hmm," Jadis sniffed. "The Sons of Adam and Daughters of Eve will soon be dead, and _then_ we shall see what Narnia can do for itself. But _I _will not forget your uncooperation," and she let out an enraged snarl. _

"_I'd watch that temper if I were you," the Authoress responded mildly. "If you get too angry you'll overheat, and that crown of yours just might start melting." _


	21. Uncrankifying Beaver

_This chapter idea was suggested by North Wyn's sister May. I know we're past it in the timeline, but I couldn't resist, so I've invented a time-jolt-thing. After this we'll move forward in the timeline to Father X-Mas. _

**CHAPTER 17: Uncrankifying Beaver**

When the Authoress's laptop shattered, her ability to monitor the story was also broken. While she was not directly controlling the events, she was manipulating a few things—the crux of the story (Mari Su's continual eviction from Narnia) was not dependent on her oversight, but the sudden cutting off of her involvement jogged the Mari Su's intended re-entry into the timeline.

Thus Mari Su found herself on the floor of the Beaver's house, just in time to hear Mr. Beaver hollering "I'm cranky _now!_"

"Teh wollvzzz wil b heer any minut!" she shrieked, because this clearly needed saying. Jumping to her feet, she snatched up a sack and cried. "ill hlp!"

Rather than running for the food cupboards, however, she began raiding her (ten gallon) purse for cosmetics.

"I'll need to travel light," she spoke aloud to herself. Sue-speak has been translated to the nearest semi-decent English possible. "Mascara…better take waterproof, I've got to look good after the river scene…lip gloss…eye shadow…blush…ooh, Peter looks _liek so totally cute_ when he blushes!…no, focus, Marianna…um…I didn't bring shampoo. Mrs. Beaver, do you have any I can borro—"

She stopped and looked around, only then noticing that the beavers and children had long since disappeared.

From right outside, there came a distinct _howwwwl!_

"Liek, liek," the Mary Sue stammered, clearly at a loss for words. Then, sudden inspiration struck. "…Uh-oh?"

The first wolf dropped into the house.

Meanwhile, down the tunnel, Mrs. Beaver looked about and exclaimed, "Oh my! We've left Mari behind!"

Mr. Beaver didn't say anything, but Lucy thought perhaps he looked happier than any person running from ravenous wolves had a right to.


	22. Father XMas: Take 1

**_Here I am, posting the 18__th__ (legitimate) chapter and I've just turned 18__… what are the odds? _**

**CHAPTER 18: Father X-mas – Take 1**_  
(or "Reason #147 To Not Use The Soundtrack Track List As A Guide") _

Marianna Susanna landed with her usual Sueish grace in Narnia and found herself seated under a tree root in a half-cave next to three children and two beavers. Immediately she attached herself to Peter, who as quickly detached himself and began edging away uncomfortably.

Mari giggled. The coy boy!

All the others put fingers to their lips, but Mari only laughed. Stupid people, didn't they _know? _...Oh, yeah, that's right. This was their story. Of course they didn't know! So, like a good 'Sue, she decided to enlighten them from her bountiful stores of knowledge.

"o!" Mari Su exclaimed, much to the dismay of the others. "i kno tihs prt! dont wry, peetie-sweetie, thrz nthng 2 wry abt! ill keep u saf!"

This was hardly reassuring—if anything, Peter looked more worried than before—but Marianna Susanna was happily oblivious. She crouched; ready to spring to her feet as the sound of shoes came crunching again towards them in the snow. "tihs iz liek fahter xmass!"

(She had, like, totally read the soundtrack, you see. Score!)

She jumped to her feet. "tiem 4 przntz!" she cooed, dashing out to meet Father Christmas. "i luuuuuuurrrrrvvvv przntz!"

Her departure was swiftly followed by a victorious cry of, "AHA! Gotcha, you little Sue!" and then the 'Sue's shrieks which gradually became muffled—almost as if someone were stuffing something into her mouth.

There was a pause. No one in the little hollow breathed or moved until the sleigh pulled away. They all stared at each other in dumb shock. Then—

"Well," Mrs. Beaver began, shooting a concerned glance at Peter, who was wiping away actual sweat drops.

"Shh!" Mr. Beaver exclaimed, the sound of another sledge pulling up. "It might be Her again!"

They sat, still as statues, one thought running through each of their minds:

_What on earth had happened to Marianna Susanna? _


	23. FatherXMas: Take 2

**_The last chapter was so pitifully short that I'm posting another one almost immediately. _**

**CHAPTER 19: Father X-Mas, Take 2**

The answer was found in the back of the Witch's sleigh with a goodly portion of fur mantle stuffed into her overly-glossed mouth.

"I shall have your allegiance, 'Sue," the Witch was saying. "I know what you are interested in and I do believe I can make it so that Peter—isn't that his name?—will never be able to resist you again. You must find it so frustrating to be unable to win his love..."

Marianna Susanna (now realizing her hands were not tied and therefore free to do what they will) ripped the fur out of her mouth and made several choking noises. Spitting out pieces of fur, she looked much like a cat removing furballs from its esophagus.

"ill nvr giv u my alleg...elleeg...allegic...whatever. i remain tr00 2 my 1 tr00 lurrrrv!" she cried passionately.

"Peter will never love you anyway," Edmund spoke up from his perch on the Witch's sledge. "Not when he knows _you've_ been 'fraternizing with the enemy.'"

The Witch immediately dealt Edmund a hefty clout to the head, but the damage was done.

"petr _will_ lurv me!" Marianna Susanna shrieked. "he _will _he _will _he _will!_" she glared at them all. "u dont kno what i can do, u – u – u – _stupid!_" and she stamped her foot for mature emphasis.

"You are on my sledge and you will be calm or I shall turn you to stone," the Witch threatened quietly.

"Ye did that once before," Ginarbrick called from the front. "She came back, didn' she?"

"Silence, Fool!" thundered the Witch. "By Charn, I am the Queen! Are you _both_ so dim as to suppose yourselves my counselors," she whirled on Edmund, gesturing towards both the boy and the dwarf, "or do you merely need another night in an icy dungeon to remind you of your _very low positions?!"_

"Wh-wh-," stammered Edmund, clearly reluctant to say anything at all. "Where's Mari?"

If Narnia had had its own Deplorable Word, Jadis would have uttered it then.

* * *

Meanwhile, let us rejoin the Beavers and Pevensies as they sat under the tree root, wondering at Mari Su's most recent disappearance and the subsequent reappearance of the sound of a sleigh.

"You're no good dead," Mr. Beaver had just said, and after bidding Mrs. Beaver farewell he crept out to see what was going on. Presently, several voices sounded.

"I _know_ you're there, you silly beaver!"

"Ack! 'Ere—wot're you—argh!"

These were followed by the sound of a slight scuffle, and then Mr. Beaver's head popped over the edge of the hiding place. He appeared singularly disgruntled.

"It's all right—it isn't _Her—_I mean, it's not _Her-_her, but it is _her—_if you know wot I mean..."

Puzzled, the children followed him out into the open and stopped short, blinking, baffled, at the sight before them.

A hot-pink, glittering sleigh pulled by two hot-pink reindeer sat on the snow. Its tracks, which were pink, wound away in the distance, and there was a pink sparkling sort of powder falling from the back as it went.

'_That's an environmental hazard if I ever saw one!' _Peter thought, shuddering as a mental image of a city full of Marianna Susannas with pink sleighs and pink clouds of sleigh-smog hanging over them...

But perhaps the worst sight of all was neither the hot-pink monstrosity of a sleigh nor Peter's mental image, but rather the picture Mari Su made sitting on the top of the sleigh. She was...well, pink is the only way to describe it. Pink with hearts. And ruffles. And bows. And stilettos, by the North, such stilettos!

"Well, it looks like the winter's thawing after all," Susan said acidly. "We've skipped all the way past Christmas and now we're moving on towards St. Valentine's Day. Isn't this lovely, _Peter?_"

"ive brot ur przntzzz!" Mari cried gleefully, ignoring Susan's pointedly sarcastic tones. "youll luurrrvv these, petie! and," she continued, finally shooting Susan what would have been a disdainful look if the weight of her mascara had not prevented her from any expression of the eyes, "its not valentinez day—my _rlly_ pink dress iz 4 that—this is Mary Suemas! get it?" and she giggled in Peter's direction in a manner that blatantly cried, 'fawn over me!'

"Mary _Suemas_?!" Susan cried. "_Merry_ is not the same as _Mary,_ you vain, pathetic excuse for a rational—oh for the love of all that is half-intelligent—you—you—!" Finding herself temporarily blinded and mute by anger, Susan reached out her arms and began groping about as if searching for the Mary Sue's puny neck with her hands.

"eek!" Mari squealed, jumping away from Susan's itching fingers. "petr! halp!"

But Peter was not there to hear. He had already retreated back to the safety of the little cave, where he was rocking back and forth with his hands over his ears, muttering "no...no...make the pink stop..._no..._"

Perhaps Susan's murderous intent might have been carried out, but she was spared the messy burden of having all that pink and sparkle on her fingers. Just at that moment, Father Christmas came speeding around the corner. His sleigh swerved to avoid Mari's but whiplashed back and hit the hideous thing with a satisfying "crunch!" No one was much surprised when it dissolved into pink powder.

There was silence. Then, Father Christmas spoke:

"Where is the child who wishes to set up her blasted—oh, sorry, language—_silly _little holiday in place of the true King's?"

Nothing was said, but Peter crept from his hiding place as they all pointed their fingers to indicate a puddle of pink, glittering goo under Father Christmas's reindeer's hooves.

Father Christmas looked at the puddle askance, his brow furrowing. "Confound it all!" cried he finally.

"You think killing her is a _bad_ thing?" Lucy ventured incredulously.

"No, no," Father Christmas sighed resignedly. "It's just..." he gestured frustratedly towards the pink be-spattered reindeer. "It was only yesterday I paid to have those washed."


	24. Father XMas: Take 3

Fact: _I'm becoming bored with this story. Are you all? ...well, as I said, I am. But I was struck by a wee bit of inspiration a couple nights ago (someone reviewed and mentioned something and I recalled it... but I won't give more details 'coz I don't want to spoil it/promise anything). Basically—next chapter will include a plot twist, w00t w00t._

Another Fact: _I'm really struggling to get anything written here. I'll occasionally write things out, but by the time I get around to editing/typing it up the motivation is lost and it's all sort of... blah. I'd appreciate prayer and encouragement here; I'm trying not to disappear for a year like I did ... well, last year. School has to come first, though; sorry. _

_The usual disclaimers apply here, as well as an additional note that I paraphrase heavily in one of the latter paragraphs. You'll know it when you see it._

**CHAPTER 20: Father X-Mas, Take 3  
**

Marianna Susanna sauntered towards Father Christmas's sleigh, all her Suevian wile and malice bent on one thing and one thing only: _Getting A Present._ No, it wasn't Peter – not exactly, although Mari most likely wanted (expected) a present she can use to get to Peter. (This may still strike some as inconsistency on the Mari's part, but since when have 'Sue's been consistent?)

"fahter Xmass!" she chirped, teeth bared in what she termed an innocent and enticing grin. "im here. U no, teh Fairy-Protector-Elf-Guardian-Enchantress-Nymph-Ninja-Jedi-Queen! sooo, whrz my prznnt?!"

"Ah," Father Christmas said, his tone respectful unless you heeded the glint in his eye, at which point it rang mockingly. Poor Mari was never one for details, however. "For you, Mari Su, Scourge of Narnia—"

"watsa scurge?" Mari wanted to know, a glimmer of suspicion seeping into her tone.

"Oh. Um. It's Old Narnian Deep-Magic-Speak for Fairy-Protector-Elf-Guardian-Enchantress-Nymph-Ninja-Jedi-Queen." He was definitely holding in laughter at this point, but Mari was too flattered to notice.

"liek, i knew taht," she nodded wisely. "i wuz just checkin."

"As I was saying: for you, O Most Tenacious of Scourges" – here Mari blushed and fanned her cheeks modestly – "I have...this." He handed her a paper back filled with...

"_COAL?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!111!??!"_ Mari shrieked, so overcome with wrath and mortification that she forgot to spell it 'cole,' as she thought proper. A window shattered in the distance.

"Oh, don't you know, Mari?" Susan exclaimed hastily (for it looked as though Mari Sue was about to continue her imitation of a kettle o the boil). "Coal turns into diamonds!"

Mari shut her enraged mouth and a purely greedy expression overtook her face. "rlly?" she said slowly.

Susan nodded vigorously. "Especially with the presence of such a—er—potent scourge as yourself, the process should be fairly...quick." Her lips twitched here, but the 'Sue was too busy exclaiming over the coal and thanking "santy clawz" to notice.

"Very well; I must be off, " said Father Christmas approximately three seconds later, haggard and grim from the ordeal of being the object of Mari's unrivaled affection (not to mention being called "santy" and being squeed over to the point of loss of hearing and hair.) "But first," and he suddenly looked less grave, "here is something for the moment for you all!" and he brought out (probably from one of his pockets, but nobody quite saw him do it) a handful of blue-black powder which he flung into the 'Sue's face. She screeched something about her makeup and disappeared with a bang.

"Diamonds, indeed," Father Christmas huffed. "I've seen better brain capacities in my morning porridge."

Once his sledge was out of sight, Peter let out a low whistle and looked at his sword. "I can't very well use _this_ on a girl, can I?" asked he somewhat wistfully. "I do wish Father Christmas would have given _me_ some of that powder..."

_Meanwhile in Her World, Marianna Susanna had just finished throwing a First Class Hissy Fit and was now sitting on her bed, sulking. Things had not been going according to plan – not that there had been much of a plan to begin with, but she usually didn't need one. Legolas ('Leggy!' she thought with a giggle) had been a quick enough conquest – along with the whole LotR-verse – but she'd gotten tired of slogging through the storyline. She craved something simpler. Jack Sparrow had been fun, but she'd had to duel Elizabeth every time she went back and that was just boring... she was _so much_ better than Elizabeth, but the rotten girl just kept coming back. _

_A thought struck her. She fell over backwards from the force – her brain was not accustomed to receiving thoughts, you see. _

"_i kno!" she squealed aloud. "ill cal 1 of my frendz." _

_It was time to call in the reinforcements. Little did Peter know just how much he would wish for magical Sue-Vanishing powder in the coming days... _

**You should see something new and rather different and altogether unexpected from me in the next few days. Maybe a couple somethings. -Moon **


	25. Introducing

_I felt the story was getting too boring. I also wanted to answer a reviewer's complaint from long ago. I won't say which review or what the complaint was, only that I expect to have fun with this._

**CHAPTER 21: Introducing... **

Seated in a room that was barely lit with cruelly black blinds drawn over windows to block out a crueller world on her black bean bag next to a black canopy bed (many poems had been written about that canopy: _'darkness hangs like a canopy/like the night that ever be..._) was—

Merideath Sullen.

Merideath Sullen was _the_ specimen for G-rated Tortured Past. Any trial and woe that a child can possibly have without piling several nasty-looking ratings on a story was hers. If her childhood had been interesting enough to qualify, Shakespeare would have written it as a tragedy. Hobbes' description of life as "solitary, poor, _nasty_, brutish," et cetera was chiefly inspired by Merideath Sullen's past. However, not only literature bespoke of the tragedy that was Merideath. The very willows themselves seemed to weep every time she passed them by, and at the tragic sight they often remained in that position, causing many to call them "weeping willows" (I kid you not).

Her status as the symbol and essence and flesh and blood and _soul_ of everything that is teardropemoragebloodcoldnessdarknesslackingsparkly meant that nothing in the earth—not Shakespeare, nor Hobbes, nor willows that weep—could speak so well of the tragedy that was Meri as was herself. As a skilled orator waxes eloquent on a subject that makes his passionate heart beat faster with the deepest of fires, so Merideath Sullen spoke of herself and her trials and tortured past.

Merideath Sullen sat on her bedroom floor revising her signature monologue for an upcoming fic: "Tortured Past: Theme And Variations (And Several More Themes With Several More Variations)." It was just the sort of thing to please anyone—anyone, that is, who takes satisfaction in hearing the various woes of one person trumped up and gloomily bedecked and blown hideously out of proportion until they cover over sixteen paragraphs. Such was Merideath Sullen's infamous monologue.

She had just changed the thirty-sixth sentence from "In sixth grade, my mother decorated my bedroom all the ways I hated" to "When I was not yet twelve years old and just beginning to learn the Darkness that is Life, one of my Fierce Oppressors filled my room—my fortress—my place of shelter—with everything my nature cried out against: Ribbons, Ruffles, and..." (here she had made a note to add an impressive shudder in the delivery of the monologue) "_pink. _I was deprived of the blackness I—"

At this point in the editing process, the black cell phone on the bed beside her began vibrating. Its display screen pulsed with the faintest of lights. She dropped her pen (the ink splattered across the page in a manner surely symbolic of chaos and suffering), picked up the phone, and squinted at the screen to see who the caller was. The screen was too dark to read, but Meri seemed satisfied with this as she flipped open the phone.

"This is Meri," she stated in a tone of such sepulchral proportions that a marshwiggle might have recommended a cheerier stance on life. A gabbling string of babble issued in response to her grim greeting. Though no words were immediately intelligible, the caller was easily recognized. "Hello, Mari," Meri continued, wincing at the jarring noise still pouring from her mobile. "What's new." She didn't sound remotely interested, but this never deterred Marianna.

"liek! cum ovr! nanria! HRRYYYYY!!!!!!11oeneoen!!!!"

Sighing with the weight of a thousand worlds on her breath she flipped her phone shut and reached for a bag she kept on hand for such occasions. Immediately a random and inconvenient plot jump was initiated, causing an otherwise coherent sentence to be suddenly and abruptly


	26. One Sue, Two Sue

_Mostly filler-stuff. "Real" action coming next chapter... _

**CHAPTER 22: One Sue, Two Sue...  
**

"cum on!!1!" Marianna Susanna chirped as the two 'Sues made their way down a spacious (too spacious, Meri thought glumly) hall towards Mari's bedroom.

No one knew just why Meri put up with Mari – or vise versa – for Marianna Susanna breathed pink when it suited her fault plot purposes, and there was nothing Merideath Sullen despised so much as _pink._ For this unlikely friendship, I can offer no other explanation than their general proximity of location. There are laws governing the World of Sues, one of these being a magnetic force holding all 'Sues exiled in Worlds Not Their Own, together. Mari and Meri lived on the same street, and so their friendship was (much to the chagrin of both) inevitale.

"i g2g2 nanria!" Mari was chirping. They were now in what the gothic!Sue had affectionately termed on different occasions "Loser Lair," "Hole of Horror," "Puke-inducing Pinkness," and (one specially bad days) sundry and tedious combinations of a few choice expletives. On this point we shall no longer dwell.

Meri rolled her eyes in a fit of good humor. The darkness that was life was surprisingly hard to sustain with Mari's pert tones – but then, she still wanted to beat her head against something hard and immovable...

"petr wuz thr!" Mari squealed, seemingly oblivious to the pain and suffering so poignantly expressed on Meri's pale face by the solitary black teardrop Meri had penciled on so angstfully that morning. "an hiz sibz wr thrr," Mari continued, "wats there namz...."

Merideath's drooping black-dyed head snapped up at the word _sibs._ "Narnia," she said, the longing and fire of a thousand passions filling her heart. It would have filled her speech with a thousand fiery passions, but she was accustomed to speaking Monotone. She'd told Mari that once, and Mari had promptly gone around telling people that Meri had "mono," so now all Mari's _other_ friends—the non-Sue kind, who were remarkably similar to 'Sues nonetheless—all thought she had some kind of chronic mono(nucleosis). "Take me," she said. For all that passion beating behind her heart her voice _was_ extremely dull. She was just that suppressed of an individual.

Mari giggled inanely at this. "yay 4 tr00 lurrv!" Both 'Sues lifted their hands – the fingernails of the one pink-tipped, the other black – and clapped twice. Two puffs of equally foul-smelling pink and black smoke were all that remained of the 'Sues.


	27. Red Sue, Blue Sue

_As promised: a _real_ chapter. I wasn't expecting it this soon; it came to me last night around eleven at work. I suppose the Muses are entitled to their own Sue-slaying sport every now and again like anyone else... And may I say that I am enjoying Merideath so greatly, and that her presence might just negate the constant usage of Marianna's l33t-sp34kage for the sake of cheap laughs now? I may restrict all nasty 'Sue-speak to Narnia and have them speak English here... it's quite fun to have Mari mutilate the English language and general common sense without all the word-destruction. I always feel as though maybe someone isn't getting it as well as they might if I didn't use 'Sue-speak quite so often._

_Guess which 'Sue is red and which one's blue...  
_

_

* * *

_

**CHAPTER 23: Red Sue, Blue Sue**

The Pevensies and the Beavers had just made it to the river and were tip-toeing their way across the ice when Lucy cried, "Oh no!" Marianna Susanna and Merideath Sullen appeared on the ice in front of them. Merideath was hanging her head and muttering to herself, but Mari smiled dazzlingly and threw a kiss to Peter. To everyone's chagrin, Peter _blushed._ Most thrown-kisses are invisible, but this one was pink and flip-flapped its way over to Peter, looking revoltingly similar to a floating, over-damp Kleenex. Peter caught it and stood there, grinning like a lovesick fool.

"Peter...?" Lucy queried nervously. "Peter, what are you doing? Susan! Susan, something's gone wrong—oh, _no!_ Susan, _look!_" But there was no need to tell Susan to look, for she was already staring at Peter's head in shocked disgust. Hot pink and abominably smelling hearts were shooting from Peter's nose and ears and eyes as he gazed at Marianna, a look of rapt idiocy plastered across his besotted face.

"Peter! For goodness' sake, what's come over you?!" Susan cried angrily. The pink hearts stopped their appearance, but Peter seemed not to have heard. He sighed dreamily and dropped first to his knees and then to his stomach, propping an elbow under his chin and never taking his eyes off Mari.

"Love, sister," he breathed fervently, "Love, sweet love, has come over me—engulfed me in its billows-and I, I must beg it to take me wholly under itself!" He rolled onto his back and grinned at the sky, clasping the soggy kiss to his passionately beating breast. The ice groaned perilously beneath him.

"In a minute something else is going to come over you and it _won't_ be love," Susan said, fingering her bow speculatively. "Though maybe the water will get you first," she eyed the ice, "and I hope it's cold enough to snap you out of—oh, are you even _listening?!"_ Peter had rolled back onto his side while she was speaking (_creeeeak! _went the ice) and was now writing sonnets in the snow-covered ice with his fingers.

_O, sweet Marianna, thine eyes, thy lips—_Susan read thus far and had to look away, both for the sickly sweetness of the words and the glazed foppery of Peter's expression.

"petr!" Marianna cried distressedly, and the lovestruck hero raised a brow to signify total alertness. Several wolves had appeared while Peter was waxing poetic, one of which had nabbed Merideath in its jaws. She let out a most undramatic squeak of surprised and died very quickly. Only a puff of black smoke remained where she was—which was rather unfortunate for the wolf holding her in its mouth, for it gasped in surprise when she disappeared and got 'Sue smoke in its windpipe. It then began howling dolefully at the sky and looking about for some eyeliner.

Peter leapt to his feet and whipped out his sword. "Come now, foul fiends, I shall trounce you one and all most heartily!" He swaggered forward jauntily only to be yanked back unceremoniously by Susan.

"Not so fast, Shakespeare. I've a few simple questions. For starters, do you even know how to use that thing?" she gestured furiously to the sword.

"Yeah, punk, listen to your sis," Maugrim snickered. "Better yet, listen to me: go home."

Peter curled his lip expressively at the wolf. "You: American accent, nasty grey coat. Me: hawt British accent, lovely brown coat – not to mention my own dazzingly golden head of hair." He flipped his hair a bit to punctuate this point. "I already win in Mari's eyes, which is win enough for me." Here he winked at Mari, who blew him another soggy kiss. The wind knocked this one off course, straight into the face of the doleful Sullen-smoke-stricken lupine. Lucy watched with interest as the wolf began to preen as it composed a dirge on the futility of life.

"Look, just because some girl in stilettos blew you a kiss doesn't make you hawt!" Susan was shouting. Neither she nor Maugrim were paying any attention to the wolf which had so captured Lucy's attention.

"'Course not. It took my mother nine months to perfect this—oof!" Here Susan elbowed Peter neatly in the gut. He stopped talking and smirking and looked rather taken aback. "What was _that_ fo—?"

Quite suddenly, three things happened at once.

Susan snatched the kiss from Peter's passionate digits and lobbed it at Maugrim's head. It lodged in his ear like some sort of pink abscess, both baffling and alarming him exceedingly. He began to hop about, attempting to remove the unwanted object and shouting things like "Out! Get it—get it—aagh! Stop! Cease! Desist!" and then (more bizarrely) "No, I _don't_ want to hear about last week's shopping trip!"

At the same moment the kiss left his hands, Peter snapped out of his trance and fell down as though in pain, his sword lodging quite conveniently in the ice at his feet.

And finally—the waterfall broke.

I don't wish I could say Marianna Susanna had enough sense to fling herself onto the huddle of Pevensies. She didn't. She might have felt a dramatic end was better than an undignified one (in that case, she lost both ways). More likely than not, however, she thought Peter might be able to save her with a flyingleapsomersaultwhisktripeflipvaultsnatch!SAFE! maneuver of awesomeness. Alas, Peter had none such up his sleeve and would not have wasted them on her at that point anyway. Perhaps she thought herself in _Twilight._ At any rate, the force of the water combined with the following prolonged submersion resulted in one angry 'Sue pacing her pink bedroom floor, ranting while another looked on apathetically.

"...and all I can say is, thank GOODNESS I wore waterproof!" Mari finished dramatically, subtly checking the status of her mascara in the mirror over her vanity. She flung herself onto the low stool in front of said vanity and looked at Meri. "Isn't this pathetic, Mer?" she pouted. Her speech had grown to something of a normal variety; Merideath sometimes had that effect on Mari. It vexed her exceedingly. "I'm going to get..._ulcers_...or something, and then I'll _never_ tan properly again. What do you think?"

"I was killed by a wolf," Merideath answered dismally, "driven to death clasped in its despicable jaws." She let the words hang heavily, and Mari nodded in some tiny semblance of understanding.

A long pause followed. Then Meri spoke again in the hollowest of tones: "My life's misery is complete. _Awesome._" Her left eyeball twitched in a rare show of excitement. "I am _so_ putting this into a poem_._"

Mari's head hit the vanity with a defeated sort of _whump._ Fate, it seemed, had dealt her an extraordinarily cruel hand...


End file.
